


A Clumsy Waltz With a Good Friend

by AlwaysWatching



Category: Original Work
Genre: Dom/sub, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Other, Praise Kink, Sexual Content, Sexuality Crisis, Size Difference, Size Kink, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:48:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25038013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysWatching/pseuds/AlwaysWatching
Summary: Jamie needed a roommate. Sure, he could've afford to live in his apartment alone, but what use was having an extra room just sitting there when he barely left his own? It would be extra money and if he was extra lucky, he might even make a new friend. God knew he needed more of them.When Andrew came knocking, Jamie was sure he'd found the perfect roommate. Everything about him was nice. He was tall, strong, with a decent job and a personality that wasn't one note. The only problem was that his eyes lingered on Jamie whenever he entered the room or left. Oh, and he mistook him for a girl the first time they met. But that wasn't a big deal. Jamiedidlook pretty feminine. He liked it that way.He was still a guy though.Definitely.
Relationships: Original Character(s)/Original Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This got pulled, but now I'm reposting it! It will be here to stay from now on. I promise!  
> I hope ya'll enjoy!

“Hey I’m looking for um-,” the man looked down at his phone, “-a Jamie. Do you know where I can find him Ma’am?”

Jamie blinked. Did he really look _that_ feminine? Yeah, he was a bit small in both build and stature, and his hair _was_ pretty long, but he liked it that way. Blond and pink wasn’t the manliest color combination, but assigning gender to colors was the dumbest thing he’d ever heard. And it wasn’t like he was going to grow his hair out, go through the trouble of dyeing it, and _not_ take care of it. Hair was supposed to look glossy and soft in the first place.

He looked down at his clothes, with a frown. Maybe he could’ve dressed more masculinely, but as far as he was concerned, jeans and a t-shirt were unisex. Sure, he shaved his whole body, but it’s not like that was visible with a hoodie and his jeans on. A hoodie and jeans which, as far as he was concerned, were something every gender wore. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how the other man could confuse him for a girl. It’s not like he had boobs or anything. Sometimes, in much more private moments, he thought it might’ve nice to look like a girl, but he knew he didn’t. 

He looked like a guy.

Sure, next to the other man he might’ve appeared feminine, but that was hardly a fair comparison. The other was tall, towering above Jamie, with broad shoulders and a chiseled face, and short spiky black hair. He shaved too, but he obviously didn’t care as much about having a Five O’clock shadow as Jamie, because his face displayed it proudly. Not that it looked _bad_ on him. It was actually somewhat flattering. Jamie’s eyes flicked downwards, taking in the other man’s obvious and frankly impressive muscle. His skin was a light brown, tanned from the sun, and Jamie could see the white of a few scars standing out on his arms. He wondered where they came from. Really, the person in front of him was peak masculinity, but that didn’t make Jamie any less manly himself.

Thinking like that was stupid and toxic. He was past that.

“Yeah that’s me. I’m Jamie,” he finally got out. He had a strange desire to look away from the other man and train his eyes downward, but he refused to give in to the impulse and looked right into the other man’s verdant green eyes.

The man’s eyes widened slightly. “Shit, I’m sorry. I just- you look kind of like a girl? Fuck I’m I shouldn’t have said that either that was rude uh, can we try this again?” the man said. He had a slight accent. Something that sounded southern. Jamie tried not to let the stereotypes of bigoted southerners come to his mind, but it was hard to fight against.

The man cleared his throat and took in a deep breath, clearly organizing his thoughts. Finally, he stuck out a hand and put on a winning smile.“I’m sorry about that earlier. That was stupid of me. Anyway, I’m Andrew, you told me to come around this time to look around. It’s nice to meet you.”

Jamie looked at him for a second longer, considering him. His apology seemed genuine and if the slight flush on his face was any indication, he really was sorry about it. Slowly, Jamie reached out and shook Andrew’s hand, examining the other man’s hand closely as he took it with his own. Jamie was surprised to find just how rough and calloused Andrew’s skin was. It must’ve been the result of some sort of labor or exercise, though Andrew looked a bit too neat to be a construction worker or something. Then again, those were stereotypes. Jamie didn’t do stereotypes.

Jamie ran his fingers lightly over Andrew’s palm again, idly memorizing how it felt. It was strangely nice. It’d been a while since Jamie touched someone. He was used to being alone. That’s where he worked anyway. He wasn’t much for going out either, so he didn’t often have the opportunity to really touch and _hold_ someone. It was strangely intoxicating.

Jamie jumped when Andrew cleared his throat, jolting out of his stupor and looking back up at the man. Andrew had his head tilted to the side curiously, his eyes slightly narrowed. Jamie shifted uncomfortably. There was something about the man’s gaze that was penetrating. It made him feel like he was being seen straight through.

“I won’t make you let go, but you don’t have to hold my hand to show me the place,” Andrew joked.

Jamie yanked his hand back as if burned, a blush starting to creep up his neck. “Yeah come in. Just take your shoes off at the door,” he mumbled, stepping back into the apartment and to the side to let the other man in.

Subtly, he looked over his shoulder and quickly scanned over his place for the hundredth time today. He had cleaned to the best of his ability, but there were a few things that still could’ve been done. One or two dishes were still in the sink that was visible from the living room. Dishes that he could’ve put in the dishwasher instead of puling in the sink. A variety of papers littered the kitchen table, but they were the terms of the lease, not random garbage. Still, he should’ve gotten a folder or something else to put them in instead of just laying them there, especially when they were going to be visible almost anywhere he stood in the place

_Damn studio apartments_ , Jamie thought.

“Sorry for the mess by the way. I did my best to clean up, I hope it’s not a bother,” Jamie said, waving a hand to present the place. “But this is it.”

Jamie heard the door shut behind him and turned around to look at Andrew. He rose a hand to his head and scratched it, his brow wrinkled while his eyes flicked around the small apartment. 

“This is messy for you? It looks pretty clean to me. You do a good job with this place. It looks nice”

Again, Jamie felt a blush warming his cheeks. “I cleaned it before you got here, I wanted it to look nice. Is there anything you want to see first or do you just want the tour?”

“I don’t care, just show me whatever you want,” the man said casually. “You said the rent is what? 800 a month? That’s pretty good for the city.”

“Yeah that’s right, that’s not with utilities but we can split those too,” Jamie said. “Here, follow me, I’ll show you everything.”

The tour went quickly, with Andrew barely asking any questions and simply humming his consent whenever Jamie asked him if something was alright. For some reason, Jamie felt like there was a spotlight on him the whole time like Andrew was paying attention to his every move, even though he seemed more interested in looking at the apartment than Jamie. It was a strange feeling, but rather than causing the usual anxiety something like that would, it was somehow magnetic like Jamie _wanted_ the other man to look at him.

The two men ended up back in the living room and Andrew casually flopped onto the couch, kicking his feet up on the ottoman that was there. “This place is really nice, I’ll sign the lease before I go if that’s okay. I want to move in sometime this week, but I’m flexible and can do it whenever you tell me works for you. I can even give you the first two month's rent in addition to the deposit if you want.”

Jamie wanted to be annoyed at just how casual and at peace the man seemed in his apartment, well _their_ apartment now, but he was too busy being happy that he found a roommate. He could actually afford this place. He wouldn't have to move. It was _perfect_.

“Yeah, that’s fine. You can move in whenever you want. I can help you too,” Jamie said, not sure where the offer was coming from. He was nice, but carrying furniture upstairs was something he'd rather avoid. He moved from the back of the couch and sat down himself, albeit a bit stiffly.

“Awesome! Well, I guess there’s one last thing I want to know,” Andrew said.

“What? Did I leave something out? I’ll tell you whatever you need.”

“Nah it’s nothing serious, but we’re going to be living together now and I’d like to be friends if that’s okay with you. Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”

Oh. That’s what he wanted. Jamie resisted the urge to tug at his hair, then took a deep breath. This was fine. He’d made new friends before. He always considered himself a bit on the more introverted and shy side, but it was something he’d worked on it. There was no reason he couldn’t talk to the man who was going to be his new roommate.

“What did you want to know?” he asked.

“Well, you said you’re a writer, but I have no idea what you write. Do you write fiction or is your job more…” Andrew struggled to find his last word, but Jamie was pretty sure he knew what it was. Andrew was just trying to be polite.

“Boring?” Jamie suggested.

Andrew smiled sheepishly. “For a lack of a better word, yeah.”

Jamie laughed a bit, his own smile growing on his face. “Fortunately, I do write fiction. Mostly books, but I’ve helped out on some independent comic and animation projects. I don’t make _that_ much, but I’m doing better than I ever thought I’ would.”

“Oh? What genres do you write in?”

“Mostly fantasy and science fiction. Sometimes I uh, dabble in romance,” Jamie finished quickly.

“That’s awesome! My work is probably way more boring in comparison since I’m just an accountant, but I like it,” Andrew said with a shrug. “So, what do you do for fun? Do you go out a lot?”

Jamie relaxed the longer the conversation went on, the nervous edge to his posture and words fading until he wasn’t sure why he ever felt that way in the first place. “No, I mostly stay in. I like to read a lot and I play some video games. Sometimes I watch movies. I like anime, kind of nerdy I know.”

“Psh it’s not nerdy, I think it’s cute,” Andrew said.

_Cute_. 

The word swirled around in Jamie’s head, causing a storm of butterflies to flutter around in his stomach. 

“What do you like?” Jamie said, turning the question around and trying to avoid focusing on the word. If he thought about it anymore, he’d start blushing again.

“Bit of everything I guess. I like to go to the gym and I read a lot too. Not super into TV, but I love movies, especially animated stuff. And yes, that includes anime,” he said with a sly grin.

“Well, it seems like you’re going to be the perfect roommate,” Jamie replied.

Andrew leaned closer to Jamie on the couch, a look in his eyes that made Jamie's stomach twist in an unfamiliar way. “I hope we end up being more,” he said. A beat of silence passed and then, “I could always use more friends.”

Jamie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and then stood up from the couch, giving him more space. Of course Andrew only meant as friends. What was wrong with him? Jamie shook his head, as if he could physically banish thoughts, then stuck out his hand for the other man to shake. “Well, let’s go sign papers then.”


	2. Chapter 2

Andrew moved in the next day, knocking on Jamie’s door bright and early, carrying a suitcase and cheerfully asking for a key. It interrupted Jamie’s work, but Andrew was surprisingly quiet as he moved in. Jamie guessed that he didn’t have much heavy furniture to move because the most disruptive thing was the constant opening and closing of the door. Really, Jamie was more surprised than Andrew was moving all of his stuff in alone. The other man was obviously strong, but hauling junk up the stairs over and over again took a lot of will and even more muscle. 

After around two and a half hours of Andrew shuffling around the noises stopped; only to be replaced by a _delicious_ smell coming from the kitchen. A smell that Jamie would know anywhere. He glanced at his monitor, checked his word count, then nodded to himself. He had hit his quota today and gotten what he wanted to be done. No need to push himself, especially when his roommate had just moved in. Plus, it was only the afternoon, he could always come back later and write in the evening if he wanted.

Jamie exited the room and the smell of the cooking hit him full force. It was a pungent scent, slowly filling the whole apartment, but Jamie didn’t mind in the slightest. He titled his head back, closed his eyes, and scented the air like an animal, his mouth nearly watering.

What were the chances that his roommate could make curry that smells as good as _that_?

“Oh shit, do you not like the smell? Andrew called out.

Jamie’s eyes snapped open and found the other man looking at him, a look of mild concern on his face. Jamie felt a now familiar heat rushing to his face, but fought past it and shook his head rapidly. “No, actually it smells really good. It’s some sort of curry right? Could I like- have some?”

“Oh yeah of course! Go sit down I’m almost done, I’ll make you a plate.”

Jamie walked to the table and took a seat, watching Andrew as he finished cooking. He was wearing a tight white tank top, one that showed off his ample muscle. It clung to his skin where he’d been sweating from moving all day, showing off his body. Jamie's’ eyes drifted down, trying to avoid staring at his broad shoulders, but Andrews's legs were barely safer. His shorts were far less tight than his shirt, but the muscles in them were just as visible and impressive. Jamie couldn't help but trace them up until somehow, he was eyeing the other man’s butt, admiring how tight and firm it seemed to be. It was nothing like the ample, soft fat of his own. Maybe he should ask for some workout tips? Andrew certainly figured _something_ out.

“How hot do you like your food? This is pretty spicy.”

The question startled Jamie out of his thoughts and his eyes jerked up, cheeks on fire. Andrew was looking at him like it wasn’t a big deal, but it must’ve been incredibly obvious what he’d been staring at.

“However you made is fine. I like spicy,” Jamie answered, refusing to meet Andrew’s eyes.

“Sweet, you’ll love this then.”

A minute later, Jamie had a bowl full of rice, chicken, vegetables, all covered in one of the best smelling curry sauces he’d ever smelt. It tasted just as good, if not better. Jamie had somehow won the roommate jackpot.

“So, tell me, how old are you?” Andrew asked halfway through the meal.

Jamie put down his water and cleared his throat. “I’m 22.”

“Wow you look younger,” Andrew said. “I figured it had to be something like that though. I’m 25,” he offered.

“You’re not the first person to think that. I get carded for everything, every time,” Jamie complained. “People are so weird about appearances.”

“I know right? Everyone is out there judging you off a three second look instead of even bothering to try and talk. People think I’m a meathead for example and are always surprised when I’m not an idiot. I’m sure you have it worse,” he said casually.

Jamie blinked in confusion. “Wait why would I have it worse than you?” 

Andrew paused, then got a look in his eyes like he was concentrating. His face scrunched up tightly, and his tongue darted out to lick his lips quickly. 

_He’s almost...cute like that_ , Jamie thought.

“Okay, I guess I’m just gonna ask. I know I kind of walked into it in a bad way this time, and we don’t have to talk about it if it’s a sensitive topic, but you know that you look pretty feminine, right? There is nothing wrong with that or anything, I actually think it’s cool,” he said.

Jamie shifted around in his seat, his stomach coiling uncomfortably and his appetite suddenly gone. Andrew was right when he called it a sensitive topic. It was something Jamie didn’t like to think about much. Well, that wasn't true. He thought about it a lot, he just didn't like to. He took a deep breath, settling himself. There was no reason he couldn't talk about it this time. They were just words. Words from someone who wasn’t even being mean. 

“Yeah I know,” Jamie finally responded. 

Andrew sighed in relief like he successfully navigated a minefield. “Cool, I just figured like you run into more people being assholes because of it is all. Cause people are more judgmental about that then some dude having a lot of muscle. Honestly, I have a lot of respect for it. Not a lot of people can pull that look off wear it with such confidence,” Andrew said with a smile.

Jamie’s stomach lurched again, but this time it wasn’t from discomfort. It was a light, airy feeling, almost like butterflies, but Jamie knew it couldn’t be that. Why would he get butterflies when he was just talking to his roommate? “Thanks, I- that’s nice of you,” Jamie replied, giving back his own shy smile.

“Honestly, it’s why I have so much respect for my trans friends too. They’re really strong and I’m not sure I could ever be like that. It’s obviously different for you, but there are some similarities I think. At least with how some people probably respond to you.”

“Trans?” Jamie asked, his mind latching onto the word and turning it over his head. “You mean like, the people who are born in the wrong body and stuff?”

Andrew laughed. “That’s one way to put I guess? Not quite right but it works.”

Jamie dug through his memories, trying to find any associations he had with the word. As far he knew, he didn’t know anyone who was trans. Or maybe he did? It’s not like he’d be able to tell right? Isn’t that the point? 

“You know trans um- trans people?” Jamie asked.

Andrew nodded. “Yeah, they’re really old friends of mine actually. You might meet them actually, I’m going to have them over here one of these days. It’s _so_ much better than my last apartment.”

He was going to have them over? Jamie was going to meet them? Suddenly, he wanted to know everything about Andrew’s friends. More information than would probably ever be appropriate. Questions like, “How did they know,” and “What do they look like, and “Can you tell?” Things that he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he shouldn’t ask someone.

“That’s cool, I um, I’d like to meet them,” Jamie said. “I don’t have that many friends, more would be cool.”

Andrew’s eyes brightened, his grin someone getting broader. He whipped his phone was out of his pocket and started typing away. “Hey, do you mind if I get a selfie with you? They’d love it.”

“Sure that’s fine.”

Andrew stood up and rounded the table. Jamie scooted back his chair, expecting to stand up, but then Andrew was suddenly leaning down and pressing his face into Jamie’s own. Jamie could feel the slight scratch of his whiskers on his cheek and resisted the temptation to press in closer and rub his cheek against the others. The touch shouldn’t have felt as significant as it was, but Jamie couldn’t remember the last time he let someone be so close. Andrew felt warm and safe, feelings that Jamie had no idea what to do with.

Suddenly, Jamie heard the noise of Andrew’s camera going off, and then Andrew was standing back up back to typing away rapidly on his phone. “Thanks, man, that was a good picture, you looked really cute.”

Jamie nearly squeaked in embarrassment and slid down his chair, his cheeks burning. Why did Andrew always make him like this? It was like he was back in middle school and just dealing with social pressure and other people for the first time. At least then, he knew why he was doing what he was doing. Could understand the source of his embarrassment. With Andrew it constantly eluded him.

“Yeah no problem,” Jamie replied quietly.

“You want seconds? I have some left,” he asked, pointing at Jamie’s bowl.

Jamie wasn’t really hungry anymore, but for whatever reason, he wanted to stay at the table and talk to the other man. “A bit more couldn’t hurt.”  
_________________________________________________________________________

Jamie slowly opened the door, taking care not to make too much noise. He had greased the hinge to prevent it from creaking at all, but despite how late it was and the fact that he was barely making any noise, he was nervous. He _really_ didn’t want to wake up Andrew and get caught with his pipe, grinder, and lighter in his hands. It would only make for an awkward conversation and the last thing Jamie wanted was to scare off his roommate on the first full day he was here. Technically, the “no smoking” clause wasn’t in the lease, but that didn’t mean Andrew was okay with it. At the very least, Jamie was glad he lived where he did and technically owned his apartment. 

Slowly, Jamie crept out of his room, heading straight for the door that led to their small balcony. It was his favorite spot in the whole apartment, and he could spend hours out there just sitting. It had a good view of the city and all the bright lights, and people watching at 3 AM had become one of Jamie’s favorite hobbies.

Being high just made it that much better.

Jamie slipped outside, shutting the door a bit harder than he would've liked to, but it was quiet enough that if Andrew was asleep, he shouldn’t have heard it. He couldn’t imagine Andrew being awake anyway. It was a Tuesday and the man must’ve had work tomorrow.

Jamie plopped down at the ground and immediately started packing the bowl of his pipe, looking down absently at the city every few seconds. The streets were quieter than usual, but there were a few stragglers walking around, heading to their cars, or just out for a nighttime stroll. They were almost always drenched in shadow, with just enough light coming from streetlights to partially illuminate them. It made them look like shades in the night, looking for a home they’d lost.

Jamie filed away the idea in his for later, then raised his pipe to his lips, lit the weed he’d packed, and deeply inhaled. The hot smoke rushed into his lungs, making him want to cough immediately, but he’d been smoking for long enough to get past that. After another second of holding the smoke in, Jamie blew it out in a thick stream. He could already feel the plant taking effect, breaking down his mental barriers, and relaxing him. It made his body feel heavy, but it was a heaviness he enjoyed.

His thoughts drifted as he quickly finished his bowl, then set his pipe down and let his eyes slip shut. Unbidden thoughts of Andrew came to mind. Ordinarily, Jamie would chase them away, but he knew that he couldn't his thoughts when he was high. They always went where they pleased. Sighing, Jamie sat back against the wall and looked down at the city, then let his mind fill up with thoughts of Andrew.

The man was something else. He was nice and appealing in a way that Jamie didn’t often run into. He didn’t go out too much, but he’d met enough people in university and throughout his life that he knew when someone was nice. And Andrew was _nice_.

_He’s not just nice though. He’s more_ , his traitorous subconscious whispered.

Jamie sighed, pressing his palms lightly into his eyes before dragging his hands down his face. Andrew made him feel things. Things that he didn’t know whether or not he liked. He could be honest with himself about this. There was no point in lying. Fortunately, this wouldn’t be the first time he’d developed a fixation on a new friend. Shit, he’d done the same thing with Charles and Willow and that’d all worked out fine. Obsession with certain people was just a part of his personality that he was all too aware of. All he could do was try to not be overbearing and control himself.

Gradually, his mind drifted back to his writing, thankfully leaving him using about Andrew behind, Inspired, he stood up, slipped back into the apartment, and headed towards his room. Now wasn’t the most opportune time to write, but whenever the urge hit, Jamie indulged it. He was already up late in the first place, he doubted that he was going to head to bed anytime soon.

He stopped in front of his door and paused, then headed for the bathroom, figuring that he may as well pee so he didn’t have to do it later. Moving quietly to the door, he entered the bathroom and shut the door, the flicked the lights on, hoping that it wouldn’t wake up Andrew.

Jamie quickly finished, then started washing his hands, glancing up at the mirror when he was done. As soon as he did, he froze, his eyes locking onto his own reflection. Or at least what _should_ have been his reflection. But it wasn’t, or at least it didn’t feel like it. It had all the same features and characteristics of his own face, but there was something distinctly _wrong_ about it. But maybe it wasn’t the mirror that was wrong.

Maybe it was just him.

Jamie’s hands clenched into fists, but for whatever reason, he couldn’t look away. All he could do was a standstill, his eyes chasing the imperfections of his own face. A dark, heavy feeling he’d felt many times before built in his head, something he knew was a mix of anxiety and depression. He knew that staring at himself, picking out all the flaws of his face, of his too broad shoulders and narrow hips only made it worse, but he was helpless to do anything about it.

Being high was barely helping matters easier. In fact, it was just making it easier to slip into that terrible, dark headspace. The one that would force him to look at his body, to acknowledge that he was trapped in it, to acknowledge that something about it all felt deeply wrong. Had always felt wrong. Hot tears built behind his eyes and he closed and rubbed at them before any could spill out. At the very least, his eyes shutting saved him from seeing the twisted reflection in the mirror and let him breathe. Despite that, a sob still quietly wracked his body, and he leaned forward on the sink, trying to take deep breaths. He’d been here before. He knew how to handle it. He wasn’t dying. He was going to be fine. It was just a panic attack. He’d had a million before.

There was nothing wrong. Nothing to think about it. He was _fine_.

Slowly, the slew of negative emotions pressing down on him faded, until he was left feeling hollow and empty like someone had come and wrung all the life from him. His head felt stuffy from the mix of weed and emotion, and he knew already that his night was ruined. He wasn’t going to be writing any more of his book, wasn’t going to be reading anything interesting.

No, he was going to go straight to bed. He’d wake up tomorrow, and everything would be fine.

It always has been after all.

Laying in bed and staring up at a dark ceiling wasn’t much of an improvement, but at least he was only stuck with his thoughts now. He didn’t have to stare at the disgusting figure in the mirror. The one with too broad shoulders and hair on its face that refused to go away. The one with a face that was too rough, too male.

It made him want to step out of his skin entirely.

As he laid there, he played his first encounter with Andrew over in his head. When he was mistaken for a woman. He thought summoning the memory would make him mad, but instead, it almost made him feel _better_. However, the feeling didn’t last long before it was overwhelmed by another wave of darkness, one that drowned out anything good and left pain in its wake. Why the fuck was he thinking that being mistaken for a girl was nice? What was wrong with him? Normal people didn’t look into the mirror and want to cry. Normal people didn’t want the things he did.

Normal people didn’t look a their roomate and think _things_ about them.

Jamie choked back a sob and forced his eyes, taking in deep breaths as he settled himself. Occasionally, he cried himself to sleep, letting himself become so exhausted that he couldn’t fight the call of sleep anymore. He didn’t want to do that now though. He didn’t think he could keep his crying quiet enough. He was loud and the last thing he wanted was to wake Andrew up and have him ask what was wrong.

In fact, Jamie couldn’t think of anything else in the world that would be worse than that.


	3. Chapter 3

Jamie woke up the next day with a headache, but thankfully, the bad feelings from last night had gone away. He felt normal again.

Well, as close to normal as he could get.

He rose from the bed and dressed quickly, then exited the room while he checked his phone. As soon as he stepped out, he promptly collided headfirst into Andrew. He must’ve hit at the perfect angle because he sent the bigger man toppling down with him and the pair ended up in a pile on the floor.

“Holy shit are you okay!?” Jamie asked, scrambling away from Andrew and getting to his knees.

“Yeah, just surprised me is all,” Andrew said chuckling, still on his back. He lingered a moment longer, then sat up and rubbed his head, a light blush on his cheeks. “Are you alright? You hit me kind of hard.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just- I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.”

“No need to look like that, not like you killed my dog,” Andrew joked, climbing to his feet. He stuck out a hand and bent over slightly. “C’mon, get up.”

Jamie took Andrew’s hand and then he was being hauled onto his feet, colliding into Andrew once again. This time, however, he ran right into Andrew’s chest and Andrew wrapped his arms around him, holding him still.

“Are you doing this on purpose?” Andrew teased. “You seem to have a knack for hitting me.”

Wow. They were close. There was barely any space between the two of them and Andrew still hadn’t dropped his arms from where they had wrapped around Jamie’s back. Jamie was all too aware of the fact that all he’d worn last night was a loose t-shirt and boxer briefs, nearly a mirror image of what Andrew had because, for whatever reason, the man wasn’t dressed for work at all. Jamie was effectively naked, pressed against his very _strong_ roommate, very underdressed roommate, and just laying in his arms without saying a word.

When Jamie's mind kicked into action, he jerked away, forcing Andrew to drop his arms from around his shoulders.

“You sure you’re okay?” Andrew asked, putting his hands on Jami'es shoulders. 

Jamie stared up at Andrew, his words once again failing to form. “Don’t you have work?” he squeaked.

“They're fixing our network today and remodeling the office. No internet available, so they told us to take the day off. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Oh. That would be why he wasn't dressed.

Now if he could only figure out why he was Andrew was still touching him.

“Do you want to get breakfast with me?” Andrew asked. “I’d like to take you out.”

Andrew was _still_ holding him. Jamie didn’t move back even though he should've.

Jamie's’ lips were too dry. He darted his tongue out to lick them, “That sounds good.”

“Awesome! Go get dressed, I’ll take you to my favorite place,” Andrew exclaimed, stepping backward and finally giving Jamie space. 

For whatever reason, Jamie’s skin was still buzzing where the two of them had touched. He wanted to press himself back into the man. He was warm. Not that it wasn’t warm in the apartment, but there was something about Andrew that was warmer. Something better than lazing in the sun.

“Okay,” Jamie croaked.  
_________________________________________________________________________

When Jamie agreed to go out, he was expecting a standard restaurant. Maybe even somewhere a little bit fancy with how much Andrew had talked it up on their walk there. He didn’t expect to be led through a chain of tight, narrow alleyways before stopping in front of a door with a sign over that was so well-worn it may as well have been invisible.

“We’re here,” Andrew grinned, taking a step aside and presenting the door like a prize on a game show. “Best place in the city.”

Jamie looked around with raised eyebrows. He didn’t want to question the other man before they’d even gotten into the palace, but it was obvious that he was skeptical. Nonetheless, he trusted the other man. If he said it was good, then he’d give it a shot.

Andrew pulled open the door for Jamie and stepped aside. “Trust me, it’s better than it looks.”

“I hope so,” Jamie replied, taking a tentative step into the building. 

The entranceway way winded strangely, jerking with several sharp turns, before finally depositing the pair into the front of the main dining room. Jamie had to admit, it was nothing like he expected. It looked like the interior had been taken straight out of the deep south in the antebellum period, but not from the house of someone rich. No, it had the distinct style of someone who was working class, with all the rough edges, shortcuts, and hand-me-downs that made the place feel like someone's home. There were a few people already inside and eating at the smattering of wooden tables throughout the place, their plates piled high with biscuits, gravy, fried chicken, and other comfort foods.

“Hey, ya’ll welcome to Mae’s,” a person with a deep and heavy southern accent twanged.

Jamie turned towards the face and once again was taken aback by the person he saw. Jamie’s first instinct was to say they were a woman due to their height and slight frame, but the voice, shortly cropped pink hair, and flat chest stopped him in his tracks. Their clothes didn't’ help either. A pair of denim coveralls and what looked like a white shirt underneath could have been worn by anyone. Hell, judging by the decor, it could have just been the uniform. It’d certainly fit the theme.

“Hi, Mary Anne! It’s nice to see you again, figured I’d bring my new roommate out to try out ya’lls food. Don’t think he’s ever had anything like it before.”

The slight accent in Andrew’s voice was slowly becoming more pronounced the more he spoke. Jamie liked it. It was warmer, more natural sounding than his other voice. Maybe he could convince Andrew to sound like that more often.

“Well, I’ll be they’re downright adorable. What’s your name hon?”

“Jamie.”

Mary Anne hummed quietly. “Caught yourself a real cutie there Andrew. Follow me I’ll get y’all set up. I’m more than happy to make some recommendations for you too honey, you look like you’re almost in shock.”

Jamie stiffened at the implication, but Andrew was quick to rebuff it, rolling his eyes as he stepped forward and chatted with them. Jamie trailed behind them, unsure of whether to complain about the comment or not. Eventually, he settled on letting it go. After all, there was no need to take it so personally. They were obviously friends and it was just a joke. 

The place was bigger than it looked at first glance. Another small, narrow hallway connected the main dining room to a smaller one. One that was nearly empty Jamie appreciated the gesture but was still taken aback by how much room they had compared to how questionable the outside looked. 

The host sat them down at the table, handed them their menus, then stepped away after, promising to be back soon.

“I know it looks a bit weird, but this is the best southern restaurant I’ve found up here. Ain’t nothing like it.”

“I would have never known it was here, how did you even find this place. It's so hidden.

“You can find the place online and all that, but that’s not how I did it and I’m gonna sound like a redneck if I tell yah,” Andrew drawled. His Is were getting more round until they sounded like they started with an a and ended with an H. 

“You know you don’t have to hide your accent, it’s kind of nice.”

Jamie wasn’t sure where the words were from and for a second he considered trying to take them back, but then Andrew _blushed_ , his ears and cheeks turning bright red. It might’ve been the most endearing thing that Jamie had ever seen. It was better than even his accent.

He knew he couldn’t let whatever was making Andrew blush so much go. Not if it meant he’d get to see his flush for longer.

“You gotta tell me now. Come on, you’ve read my books, let me know more about you too,” Jamie said. For a brief second, it didn’t look like Andrew was going to do it. He was going to be stubborn and keep his mouth shut, no matter how much Jamie asked. He couldn’t let that happen. He needed to know. He bit his lip, then summoned his best pair of puppy dog eyes and put on his sweetest smile. “Please?” he all but whined.

Hopefully, that would do it.

You're a damn _cheater_ , you know that right?” Andrew grumbled without any heat.

“Go on,” Jamie said, waving his hand for Andrew to continue.

Andrew sighed. “Alright, well I was raised on a farm in the deep south. And I mean deep. A little town of probably less than 300 people. Anyway, got real into hunting and fishing when I was there. It was what everyone did. So when I moved up here to the city, I decided I needed a place to do that at still. So every now and then, I leave the city and go to the country, not anywhere like home mind you, but still country, and scratch the itch. I met the owner of this place, Mae, one day when I was fishing. We clicked and welp, the rest is history,” he said.

Jamie couldn’t help it. He laughed. Andrew wasn't lying when he said it’d make him sound like a redneck. Andrews's blush deepened and the man looked up and away at the ceiling resting his elbow on the table to put his cheek on a hand. 

“Now look, I told you and you’re laughing,” Andrew grumbled.

“Don’t look embarrassed. I think it’s kinda cu-”

Jamie caught himself, but it was too late. Andrew had heard. He turned back to look at Jamie, still blushing, but looking ready to get his revenge.

“You think I’m cute huh?”

Before Andrew could press his advantage, the same person as before appeared, eyeing them with her notepad lifted and ready. “So what’ll it be?”

“Um, just order for me, I don’t know what to get,” Jamie said. “I’ll eat whatever.”

“Alright alright. He’ll get the chicken fried steak and I’ll get just ya’lls french toast. Water is fine to drink.”

“Alrighty, ya’ll don’t have too much fun without me,” the host twanged, before shooting both of them a weak and disappearing into the restaurant.

As if sensing how awkward the encounter had felt to Jamie, Andrew reached forward and gently nudged his shoulder with a hand. “Sorry, the southern hospitality can come off as a bit strong I know.”

“Mm just a bit,” Jamie agreed. “It’s alright though just not used to it. But, if you said you grew up in the country then you’ve _got_ to have other stories. Be my muse?” Jamie asked nervously. He intended it to sound like a joke, but halfway through, his brain decided that he was _actually_ being sincere.

“I’ll only trade ya an embarrassing story for one in return,” Andrew shot back with a smile.

Jamie quickly weighed his options. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea of being embarrassed, but if the other man was willing to open up, then he could too. He’d opened up before. There was no reason he couldn’t do it again. “Alright, you gotta go first though.”

Andrew leaned back in his chair and Jamie could already see the flush returning to his cheeks and face. Jamie very quickly decided that the trade was more than worth it.

“Alright. So once when I was young I had a cat…”  
________________________________________________________________________

By the time they left the restaurant, it was already noon. The time had slipped away while they talked and Jamie didn’t think he’d ever laughed so hard at so many dumb jokes before in his life. Andrew’s stories, in his opinion, were also _much_ better and much more embarrassing. Listening to stories of him getting attacked by feral cats for touching their kittens, getting hissed at beavers, and falling into rivers for messing with their dams, all of it was just too damn charming. Best of all, when it was time for Jamie to share his own stories, he never felt awkward. Sure, reliving his greatest hits made him cringe a bit, but watching Andrew laugh and make light of it all made sharing a lot better than he thought.

Andrew had insisted that he paid the entirety of the bill, no matter how much Jamie insisted that he had enough to pay for his own. Jamie eventually relented, opting instead to call them a cab home rather than being forced to walk. The food had been damn good, but Jamie could admit to being a bit too full to want to walk several miles back the needed. Andrew tried to pay for the cab too, but Jamie kept brushing him off.

However, Andrew was surprisingly insistent.

“C’mon, I said I’d take you out. You shouldn’t have to pay it’s only like, 7 bucks.”

“Yeah, that’s why I can pay for it,” Jamie smoothly replied.

“But you don’t _have_ to,” Andrew insisted.

Jamie rolled his eyes, then got a wicked idea. “Alright, you want to pay for our cab ride? I’ll let you if you tell me you’re _most_ embarrassing story.”

Andrew's eyebrows shot up, and then he let a low, awkward chuckle. He lifted a hand and rubbed at the back of his neck, then looked up at the sky. “You _really_ don’t want to hear it. It ain’t even funny, it’s just awkward.”

“If you want to pay for the cab, then spill.”

Jamie was sure it was a foolproof plan. There wasn’t a person in the world who would take the deal. It was barely even a deal. It was all downside, with no upside. There was no _way_ Andrew would bite.

“Alright, I’ll tell ya,” Andrew finally decided. “Hope you’re ready, you signed up for it.”

“Seriously?” Jamie asked, the word flying out of his mouth before he could think. He could barely believe the other man had entertained the idea, let alone said yes.

“That’s what you wanted right? Ready?”

Jamie glanced down at his phone, checking how far away their ride was. It was going to be around eight minutes. Enough time for Andrew to hopefully get it out without being interrupted.

“Yeah go for it.”

“Alright well, when I was like, 16 or something this new guy came to town. Just for the summer. Bit of vacation really, parents had a cabin out there and they spent months hunting and trapping cause they were both teachers. Anyway, me and this guy started hanging out and one day I realized that he was _damn_ cute-”

“Wait _what_?” Jamie asked, a note of panic in his voice.

Andrew quirked up an eyebrow. “I said he was cute?”

Jamie swallowed. Right. He hadn’t heard incorrectly then. “Alright.”

Andrew shot him a concerned look but continue on. “Anyway, he was really cute. So we started messing around a bit. We got super reckless with it and one day, we were back at his cabin and I was in his room and well, we were having sex. So, everything great, but I don’t hear his parents come home and then they walk in on me fucking their son and just-” Andrew takes a deep breath. “Whew, it was just real bad. Real awkward. His family wasn’t too weird about it thank god, could’ve gotten myself shot, but I wasn’t allowed to see him anymore,” he finished with a sad smile.

Jamie blinked, his mouth dry. It wasn’t like during their time trading stories, they stayed PG, but Jamie didn’t expect his roommate to be- be gay? No. That wasn’t right. He wasn’t gay. He talked about other girls, hell he dated them. Bisexual? Jamie was pretty sure that was the world. Still, his roommate liked _guys_.

And hadn't Andrew called him cute before too?

“Uh, you there? Think that’s our ride,” Andrew said, pointing a thumb at the car that just rolled up. 

“Yeah, I’m fine just- lost in thought, Jamie replied. “Don’t worry about it.”

Andrew shrugged, then placed a hand on Jamie’s back as he guided him towards the car. “If you say so.”

Jamie didn’t expect that hand on his back, but for some reason, he didn’t pull away. He let the contact continue all the way up until the pair climbed into the car and set back off to the apartment.

The entire way back, Jamie could almost still feel Andrew’s hand on his back.


	4. Chapter 4

“Fuck this is good. You’re an amazing cook. So damn good,” Andrew practically moaned, his eyes squeezed shut in delight. When they opened, he reached across the table and messed up Jamie’s hair. “Thanks for this, you didn’t have to.” 

Jamie fidgeted, his face feeling hot. Andrew withdrew his hand quickly, shooting him a questioning look, but Jamie could barely meet his eyes. The other man just thanking him shouldn’t make him feel like a teenager talking to his first ever crush.

“It’s fine,” he Jamie said, waving a hand dismissively. “You took me out once already and you’re the best roommate I've ever had. Plus, it’s the end of the week so I figured…” Jamie trailed off with a shrug. “Why not celebrate a bit.”

“Sure as hell the best roommate I’ve ever had,” Andrew said, lifting another bite of steak into his mouth. “Best thing I’ve had all week. Even better than Mae’s.”

Jamie squirmed in his chair. There was low heat building in his stomach that he was doing his best to ignore, but was only building with the more Andrew praised him. It didn’t help that the other man looked surprisingly nice today. His hair fell perfectly over his eyes and the sun streaming in from the windows highlighted his face well. He was all sharp angles and hard muscle and it made something strange twist in Jamie’s stomach. It didn’t feel _quite_ like jealousy, but Jamie knew it had to be. He just wanted to look like the other man.

It wasn’t like it could be anything else.

“How was work today for you?” Andrew asked.

Jamie straightened in his chair, a smile on his face before he could even think about it. Talking about his art always made him feel more balanced. “It was good! I got more than I expected to get done today, and my publisher seemed to really like my new book, and I’m negotiating a new book deal,” Jamie said cheerily. 

“Hell yeah, you deserve it. You’re writing is pretty damn good. Before long you’re gonna have enough money where you don’t even need me here anymore,” Andrew joked.

Jamie smiled, but this one felt weaker and strained. For whatever reason, the idea of Andrew leaving didn’t sit right with him. He liked the man already. He was one of the first people he’d gotten along with so well in awhile. Hell, he might've been the first friend Jamie had made in _years_. He wasn’t antisocial or anything, but he never had time in college to make many friends and his more introverted nature meant he wasn’t exactly out at bars or clubs either.

“Thanks, I- I’m glad you like it.”

“ I feel bad for eating your food and giving nothing in return. I don’t know how big you are on it, but do you want to drink a bit tonight? We can watch a shitty movie and everything. To celebrate.

“Sure,” Jamie said, instantly, all too happy to spend more time with Andrew.

“Sweet, do you like vodka? We can do shots,” Andrew offered. “I’d make you a cocktail but I’m awful at it and I’m a bit impatient,” he said with a laugh.

“Yeah sure that’s fine,” Jamie said quickly. He wasn’t that much of a drinker, but it wasn’t anything he hadn’t done before. Besides, he owed it to himself to relax a bit. Despite the fun he was having now, negotiating with his publishers always made him stressed.

“Cool, it’s in the cupboard if you want to grab it. Top one on the right. Shot glasses should be there too.”

Jamie stood up and padded over to the cabinet, pulling out the alcohol and glasses and bringing them to the table. He examined the bottle briefly, but the name and brand meant nothing to him. It was in a fancy bottle though, so Jamie figured there had to be something to it.

“I know usually you like to smoke, but I promise you this stuff is good,” Andrew said, reaching forward and grabbing the bottle.

“Wait, how do you know I smoke?” Jamie asked surprised.

“Seriously? You keep the smell down pretty well, but it’s still there. Plus, why else would you be out on our balcony at twelve at night?”

Oh. Jamie had thought he was being careful. Still, a strong sense of relief hit him when he processed the other meaning of his roommate's words. He didn’t care. Which was more than could be said for some others in the past.

“You’re staring off into space again, here knock one back with me,” Andrew said, pulling Jamie from his thoughts and thrusting a filled shot glass in front of his nose. 

Jamie took it delicately and clinked his glass against Andrew’s before tossing his head back and swallowing it. The alcohol burned, but it was surprisingly smooth. Andrew wasn’t lying when he said it was good.

“Give me another,” Jamie demanded, sticking out his glass. “I want to get drunk.”

Andrew laughed, but happily filled his glass. “Don't get too drunk, we’re supposed to be watching a movie after this.”

Jamie waved his free hand, then swallowed another shot, already feeling a warmth radiating out from his stomach to the rest of his veins. He took one more, before finally standing up and walking over to the couch, collapsing onto it with an exaggerated flop.

“Bring the clicker over,” he mumbled, his face buried in the cushions.

“Yeah, yeah I will. You better sit up too. You’re taking up all the space,” Andrew replied. Jamie heard him stepping over to the grab the clicker from where it’d been on the counter.

“Make me,” Jamie shot back, the alcohol making him bold.

“You want me to make you?” Andrew asked. Jamie could hear him walking closer, but he kept his head in the cushions, unwilling to look up. “Are you sure?”

Jamie swallowed. The warm feeling the alcohol had given him was spreading faster than ever and somehow it felt like he had drunk another two shots. “Yeah. Make me,” he repeated.

“You asked for it,” with a tone that for whatever reason, made Jamie want to shiver.

Jamie heard Andrew walk forward, then sit down on the sliver of couch that Jamie had left for him. Instantly, Jamie tensed in anticipation, but Andrew didn’t move, instead opting to turn the TV on and start and starting browsing through Netflix. Slowly, Jamie lifted his head from the cushion and pressed himself up on his stomach, craning his neck to look behind him to see what was happening. All at once, he was being grabbed and moved. A pair of strong, solid arms wrapped around his chest and yanked him up and back, flipping him from his stomach and onto his back. Jamie flailed, trying to get away, but he was helpless to fight as he was pulled back and into a warm, solid chest. Andrew felt hot beneath him, hotter than he had any right to be. Jamie squirmed, fruitlessly trying to escape, all while something hot and intense coiled in his stomach. Something he didn’t want to give words to. Being wrapped up in Andrew’s arms, helpless to move, at his mercy, had a neat haze settling over Jamie’s bran.

“There we go. I made you,” Andrew said, his lips right next to Jamie’s ears. “Are you going to be good now?”

Jamie could barely choke back the noise that threatened to escape him. Andrew’s words were like molten lead, pouring into him and making his body and brain feel even heavier. He nodded his head weakly, but Andrew must not have liked that, because he made a reprimanding noise and squeezed Jamie even tighter in his arms.

“Use your words. I asked you a question.”

_Fuck._

Jamie screwed his eyes shut, his breath already coming out harder. Everything felt so intense and every part of him that touched the man burned with a heat he hadn’t felt in a long time. It was too much, but Jamie still wanted more.

“I- yes,” Jamie finally said. “Can you let me go now?”

“Yes what,” Andrew prompted, not making any move to release his captive. “What are you doing to be if I let you go?”

“Yes I- I’ll be good,” Jamie said quietly.

“Good boy.”

The praise nearly made Jamie whine with how sudden it was. He had no idea hearing something like that would have that effect on him, but here he was, desperate in a way he’d never felt before. All for another man.

The thought made Jamie stiffen up. This was too much. He didn’t like guys. He just _didn’t_ , but here he was practically squirming in another man’s lap, acting like every bit the faggot everyone always told him he was. He ripped Andrew’s arms off of him, then scrambled to the other side of the couch, trying to make as much room between himself and Andrew. He curled up into a ball, then turned his eyes to the television. Really, he wanted to go to his room, but that would have looked weird. If he ran away, it would mean that something was wrong and nothing was wrong.

He was _fine_.

“You okay? Did I do something?” Andrew asked, his face twisted up in concern.

“You’re fine- I just, wanted some space is all. What do you want to watch,” Jamie said, changing the topic.

Jamie could _feel_ the other’s man’s eyes burning into him, but he refused to look his way and hid behind his hair, letting it conceal his face. A long beat of silence passed between the two, and Jamie prepared his usual litany of excuses, polishing each one in case he needed to bring it out. 

“Alright, I won't push you then. Um, there was a new horror movie that’s on Netflix now that I’ve been wanting to watch. Are you good with that?”

He really wasn’t. but he grabbed onto the out anyway. “Yeah, sounds great.”

“Cool, cool. You want the lights on or off?”

“Off,” Jamie said quickly, liking the idea of being able to hide himself in the darkness. “Can you get me my blanket too? I think it fell off the back of the couch.”

“Lazy,” Andrew scoffed, as he stood up.

Just like that, the mood was back to normal. At least almost. There was an energy buzzing under Jamie’s skin, but it was dying down quickly. Only then, did he realize that he committed to watching a horror movie. He hoped he didn’t scream.

 _God save me._  
________________________________________________________________________

The restaurant was busy for a Thursday, even for the usual dinner rush. It was hard to get their typical booth in the back, but they’d been going there long enough that the hostess and waitstaff made an exception for them, a fact that earned them better tips every time. The three of them chatted quietly among one another and ordered as soon as the waitress came back to their table.

“So, start from the beginning. Explain it all and don’t leave out any details,” a tall, lanky man said, his brown hair falling into his eyes and obscuring the almost gaunt angles of his face. His dark olive skin matched the brown of his eyes well, and a warm smile made him easy on the eyes. The rest of his body was just as long and lanky as his height, but it matched his face and he owned it with a confidence that had gotten him into a staggering amount of trouble. 

“For once, I actually agree with Charles. I’m really curious,” a woman chimed in, shifting her bright red bangs over her shoulders. Her face was covered in more freckles than anyone else had ever seen, but they went well with her pale skin and bright green eyes. She always joked that she was a walking stereotype, just without the Irish accent.

“I already told you what happened,” Jamie protested. “Why do I need to say it again?”

“‘Cause you leave stuff out when you text,” he replied. Jamie gave him a pouty look, but he just rolled her eyes “Don’t even try to say you don’t. You’re the master of bad communication you know. Willow will back me up on this.”

“Look, we know you’re leaving _something_ out so just run it by me and Charles again,” Willow said, leaning back lazily in her chair. “He just grabbed you without asking? Am I getting this right?”

“Well no, I uh- I said something stupid,” Jamie mumbled.

“Oh, I gotta know what it is,” Charles said, his eyes glinting. “What was it? You can’t just say it was something stupid.”

Jamie took another fork full of curry and shoved it in his mouth, a faint blush appearing on his face from the heat of the dish. It had nothing to do with him replaying the scene of Andrew grabbing him and holding him still.

“Was it really that bad?” Willow asked, her voice tinged with curiosity. “You’re not really the impulsive type and from what you’ve told us, he seemed pretty nice.”

That was the thing. The main problem in the first place. Andrew was nice. He was always patient, always asked Jamie how he was. Did chores he didn’t need to around the house, gave Jamie space when he asked for it, offered to watch TV, and play games with him. Fuck, he’d even picked up one of Andrew’s books and read it.

“He is nice,” Jamie protested.

“Okay, so if he’s nice, then you must've said something to tip him off. What’d you do?” Willow pressed. “Just tell us, it can’t be that bad.”

“I told him to make me,” Jamie said quickly.

“Wait what?” Charles said, blinking in confusion. “You told him to make you? Did I hear that right?”

“You did, I heard the same,” Willow confirmed. 

Jamie looked back and forth between both of them. They both looked like they had something to say, but were holding it back.

“Just say it,” he ordered. "I can see you thinking about something.

“You kinda asked him for it. Like explicitly,” Charles replied. “I mean, no offense, but what’d you expect to happen? It kind of comes across as-”

“Flirty,” Willow finished. “Definitely seems like flirting to me. Not sure there is another way to take it really.”

“I was _not_ flirting,” Jamie said hotly. “I was just- it was dumb. Slip of the tongue. I was drunk and it just happened. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“It’s important if you care enough about it to bump up our meeting by a day,” Charles retorted. “Or are you going to tell me you just missed the curry.”

“I only get it once a week, I always miss it,” Jamie replied, his face heating up.

“There is no way you only eat here when we’re with you. I don’t think you have that kind of self-control. You’re a sucker for Indian food,” Willow laughed.

“Like you’re not,” Jamie snorted. You always get takeout when we come so you can eat it later.”

“Wait that’s different-”

“Here she goes,” Charles cut in.

And just like that, things were back to normal. The conversation moved on to work and what other friends were up to, and any mention of his roommate went away. It was nice. Just being with his friends made him feel better. They knew when it was okay to press and when they needed to back off. 

Their food came and they all ate ravenously. The food as always, was excellent, and Jamie made a mental note to bring Andrew here. After All, he’d show him, his favorite restaurant. There was no reason that Jamie couldn’t return the favor.

Soon, too soon in Jamie’s opinion, it was time to leave. Charles left first, insisting that he had something to do soon. Once he was out the door, Jamie was out of his seat. He stretched, said goodbye to Willow, and then took a step towards the door, already thinking about watching a movie that Charles had recommend. Before he could reach the door, it swung open, and then two people walked in, which made Jamie stop in his tracks and _stared_.

Jamie had never seen anyone quite like them. They remind him a lot of their waiter at Mae’s, but far less androgynous. One was wearing a dress and had long blond hair with makeup, as well as a purse. However, their features were surprisingly masculine. They were taller than even Andrew was and their shoulders were broad. Nonetheless, they wore it well. It was a strange combination for sure, but Jamie thought it was striking and gorgeous before anything else.

The other person was short, shorter than even he was. They had bigger hips than him and a petite frame, but they had a surprisingly well-grown in and well-kempt beard, with hairy legs and a mop of messy, short brown hair. They were wearing a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and Jamie couldn’t help but think they were just as interesting as-

As the person, they were holding hands with.

Jamie watched in fascination as the short person leaned up and kissed the tall one, who took it happily and let themselves be tugged into it. He lingered a moment longer than tore his gaze away, pulling lightly at his hair. He shouldn’t stare. It was rude and it made him no better than everyone else who was doing it. 

“Are you okay?” Willow asked, appearing beside Jamie. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

“Yeah I’m fine just- I remembered something I had to do,” Jamie said. 

She didn’t look like she believed him. In fact, she looked like she was seconds away from calling him out and telling him as much. However, to his surprise, she held her tongue.

“Alright, be safe,” she said, walking past him and out the door, waving at the couple that was still there as she did. They waved back happily, giggling when the tall one leaned down and told an obviously private joke.

Jamie felt a bolt of something that felt like a lot like Jealousy rush through him. Just who the hell were they? They looked-, they look gorgeous, but they so obviously not the norm, yet somehow, it didn’t seem to bother them. Jamie could tell that other people were staring at them, but when he looked at them, he saw harsh gazes, nothing like the admiration he was sure must’ve been in his own. The bitter feeling railing in Jamie’s stomach only spiked, and he glared down at the floor while he left, not giving the couple another glass.

He merged unto the street and shoved his hands into his pockets, doing his best to sort out his feelings. It was a good practice and had helped him keep himself together in his more irrational moments. Especially right now, when he was at peak irrationality. Unfortunately, turning over his feelings didn’t seem to be getting him anywhere. 

Why did he care so much about that couple? Why did he feel weird and jealous of seeing them together? He’d seen more couples in his life than he could count, but none of them sent the strange spike of longing and jealousy through them as they had. It was even like he wanted either of them. They were attractive sure, but he was more interested in the way they looked, how they seemed to be free, and could entirely ignore the harsh states that they must’ve noticed.

What if- were they trans? It seemed like the most likely explanation, but something about the word felt _off_ to him. Like it was an insult rather than a simple description. There was no reason why a man or a woman couldn’t look the way they had, and speculating about why they chose to appear the way they did felt rude and shallow. Just like what people did to him. He bit his lip and thought of the feminine person again- no, the woman he corrected. She had been pretty, but so unlike him. She looked good in her clothes. Confident. Self-assured. He wanted to feel that confident.

He wanted to look that pretty.

His mind went to some of the clothes he’d stashed away, but he stopped that train of thought before he left the station. He only wore them sometimes. He wasn’t going to do it just because he saw a couple of strangers. They were for him. Not anyone else. He’d wear them when the opportunity arose and when he felt like it.

Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. When he got home, he was going to forget about this. He wasn't’ going to spend all day thinking about a pair of strangers. That would be weird. He was just going to go home, maybe steal some of Andrew’s vodka, and watch anime. Simple. Easy.

He wasn’t going to think about the couple.


	5. Chapter 5

It was hot. So hot. The apartment’s air condition was working overtime to cool the place, but despite that, Jamie was still sweating. He hadn’t noticed it when he was writing and finishing his last chapter, far too into his work to pick up on the creeping sense of heat, but now that he was done and just answering emails, it was impossible to not notice. His shirt and jeans were sticking to his body and even though he knew that he’d get used to it eventually, it still felt gross.

How was it even this hot in the first place? Last Thursday it’d been cool and he needed his jacket when he finished hanging out with Willow and Charles. How had it suddenly became so swelteringly _hot_ in just a week?

He resolved to ignore it, to get more work done, but after another fifteen minutes and working through a mess of emails from publishers, editors, and fans alike, he still felt his clothes clinging to him. In fact, it might’ve been worse than before.

It was time to do something about it.

Jamie scooted back in his chair and tugged off his shirt, throwing it into his hamper before doing the same with his jeans, leaving him just in his boxers. Instantly, he felt better, but then he was struck by a temptation. One that didn’t often creep up on him. The image of the woman at the restaurant he saw last week popped into her head. She looked good in her dress and it looked flowy and comfortable, even if it had been long. He didn’t see why he couldn’t be comfortable too. What he was going to be wear would be just as flowy and comfortable and it would be so easy to slip on. It always was. Andrew wasn’t even home to see it. He could walk around his apartment like he used to when he got the urge to wear something like this.

Jamie bit his lip, before stiffly standing up from his chair and walking over to his dresser, kneeling down and then going straight for the bottom drawer and yanking it open. Something uncomfortable pressed at the back of his mind as he dug through the neat stack of folded pants for his prize, but it was feeling he was all too used to ignoring and pushing away. Soon, his hand touched the soft silk of what he was looking for and without further ado, he pulled it out and unfolded it, holding the piece of clothing in front of his face.

It was a skirt. A normal looking, knee-length, plain-looking skirt. The most striking thing about it was the bright bubblegum pink color. His hands itched to put it on. It let his legs be free and it was just so damn hot out. It was perfect. 

Slowly, he sat down and pulled the skirt on, staring at it as his legs disappeared under its length. As soon as it was on, he felt better. Sometimes wearing it made him stressed and anxious, brought feelings forward that he’d rather not deal with. Other times, like today, it just felt good. No complications, no thinking about it, shit he didn’t even really think of it as a girly piece of clothing. It wasn’t after all. It was his piece of clothing. That and nothing more.

He stood up and swung his hips, enjoying the swoosh of the shirt before popping open another drawer and grabbing the first short sleeve shirt he saw. Dressed in fresh clothes and finished with his work, Jamie smiled. Now, to top it off, he was going to cook himself dinner. Well, not just himself. He’d make enough for Andrew too. He may as well if he was going to be in the kitchen. Humming quietly to himself, he exited his room and walked towards the kitchen, his mind already mulling over what to make.

He decided to make something easy, deciding that a chicken salad sounded good. It was light and easy and honestly, Jamie was craving some vegetables. 

He got to work slicing and making his salad, putting it in a large bowl before taking his chicken out of the fridge and oiling a pan for the stove. Quickly, he got lost in his work, humming quietly to himself as the chicken sizzled away in the pan. 

The front door opened.

Jamie froze.

Then, footsteps coming closer, walking towards the kitchen. Jamie’s eyes darted up to his room at the other end of the apartment. It was impossible to avoid now. He’d have to cross Andrew’s sight to make it there.

He was so _fucked_.

“Hey, whatever you’re cooking smells-”

Andrew froze when he entered the kitchen, his eyes widening as he took in what Jamie was wearing. Jamie felt a mortified heat rising to his face, and he tried to make himself smaller, looking past Andrew's shoulder to avoid meeting his eyes, while sweeping his hair in front of his face.

“I was just finish cooking. Gonna go get changed real quick. It was just really hot today and-”

“What? You don’t have to get changed,” Andrew interrupted. “It’s fine.”

“I just-”

“You look really pretty.”

“Really?” Jamie asked, the question out before he could even think about it.

Andrew took a step forward, then looked at Jamie. When he didn’t move, Andrew took another, then looked up at Jamie, asking if it was okay.

Jamie blinked at him, then slowly nodded his head.

Andrew took another and then another, and then suddenly he was right in front of Jamie, placing his hand on either side of the counter next to him, caging him in. Andrew leaned forward even closer, his mouth too close, lips too soft looking and pink. 

“You look _gorgeous._ ”

“Fuck you can’t- just you can’t-”

“Tell you how pretty you are? How cute you look in your skirt? You say you don’t look girly, but I don’t know,” Andrew said trailing off, his hands dropping to Jamie’s hips and squeezed. “I think you’d make for a very pretty girl.”

A near euphoric warmth washed over Jamie, drowning out any thought about how close the other man was or where his hands were. All he could focus on was how nice it felt to hear that.

“Thank you,” he finally squeaked, turning his head to look into the other man’s eyes.

There was something dark and almost predatory behind them and before Jamie could think any further, a pair of firm lips were on his own. Kissing him.

He was being kissed. In his skirt. By his roommate. In the middle of his kitchen. He should push away. Escape. Scream and shout, and rage at the other man for touching him.

He didn’t.

He kissed back.

He kissed back and then Andrew was pressing in closer, tilting his head back and pressing him back further while Andrew's thumbs rubbed little circles on his waist. His mind was blanked out and he looped his arms around Andrew’s neck, no longer caring that it was another man. All that mattered was someone was touching him.

Andrew’s hands slipped under Jamie’s skirt and squeezed his ass firmly. Jamie’s mouth opened into a silent gasp, but then he was being tugged up and off his feet, forced to wrap his legs around Andrew’s waist to prevent himself from falling. Andrew slipped his tongue into Jamie’s mouth and Jamie moaned, the sudden mix of sensations nearly more than he could handle.

Andrew pulled back, but Jamie refused to open his eyes, afraid that if he did, he’d find out that he in some sort of dream. Jamie felt Andrew lean in closer until suddenly his earlobe was being nibbled and bit at gently and Andrew was pressing him harder into the counter.

“You taste good darling. Should’ve told me what you wanted sooner. I wouldn’t have waited as long as I have,” he whispered, his mouth gliding down to suck at Jamie’s throat. “Can I leave marks? Do you mind?”

Did he mind? Jamie wasn’t sure. It was a bit hard to think about what things he was and was not okay with when every single one of his taboos was being broken and shattered at the same time.

“Are you with me baby? You have to answer. I can’t keep touching you if you don’t talk.”

“I don’t know,” Jamie whined, rocking his hips into Andrew. “I just, I want.”

Andrew’s hands squeezed his ass tighter. “And what do you want baby? Marks on your throat?”

“God yes,” Jamie cried.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, please mark me, you can- just-”

The words were cut up by a short, harsh, gasp as Andrew bit hard into his throat, making good on his promise to mark right away. The mix of pleasure-pain had Jamie’s eyes rolling into the back of his head.

“That’s it, baby, relax for me, you’re being such a good girl.”

The word sent Jamie’s mind reeling, but then the rational side of it caught up, processed what he was doing and it what that word meant, and recoiled _hard_. He yanked his lips back and dropping his hands from Jamie’s neck to push against his chest. Immediately, Andrew set him down and took a step back.

“Are you-”

“No. Just- no,” Jamie said. “I-,” his eyes darted up to meet his own, and as soon as he saw the look of concern and sympathy, he bolted, running straight for his room and then slamming the door shut. He pressed his back against it, breathing hard and shoving his head in his hands as a sob wracked his body. It was all too much. He couldn't do that, not with Andrew, and especially not with Andrew telling him how pretty he was. Telling him that he was good.

Calling him a _girl._

A flash of heat and lust followed the thought and Jamie knotted his hand in his hair and pulled, trying to banish the sensation of Andrew’s lips from his mind. He was acting childishly. Instead of facing his problems and talking about them, he was running away, afraid to even have a conversation about what just happened.

He squeezed his eyes shut even tighter.

A sharp knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts, but he didn’t dare respond. There was only one person in his apartment and he had no interest in talking to them, no matter how much he knew he should.

Another knock. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to set you off. I’m sorry. I should’ve asked first that was my fault.”

_What? How does that make any sense? I was the one who ran away. I was the one who taunted you an put myself there, and pulled you closer when I should have pushed you away. It’s me. It’s always been me._

“It’s okay, I- can I just have space? Please?”

Jamie’s voice was much tighter and choked than he hoped, but he was hoping, praying that Andrew would let it go. He didn’t want to be reminded of the fact that he locked himself in a room to cry over a stupid _compliment_. 

“Okay. I- I’m sorry. I’ll give you space,” Andrew said.

Jamie listened to his footsteps across the apartment and then he heard the door to Andrew’s room close. As soon as he did, he let his tears spill out and began to cry in earnest. He didn’t want to let himself cry, but he felt like h didn’t have a choice anymore. He'd waited long enough so Andrew wouldn't hear it and he needed the release.

His fingers itched to grab his phone and text someone, but he resisted the urge., He could wait until he was no longer crying and could actually think. Talking to Charles or Willow meant he would have to relive the experience, would have to explain what happened in some amount of detail, and Jamie wasn’t honestly sure if he was capable. But the only other choice was trying to deal with it himself.

And god he didn’t think he could do it himself.

He pulled out his phone and went straight to Willows's contact. Briefly, he considered calling her, but when he actually thought the idea through, he recoiled at it. Talking was not what he needed right now. Texting would be fine. He could control the conversation when he texted.

Jamie: i fucked up  
Jamie: i fuckedu p so bad Willow oh my god

Jamie stared at his phone, tears building behind his eyes when he didn’t instantly get a response. He rubbed them away and titled his head back, trying to stop himself from sobbing. Even though he heard Andrew go back to his room, he was afraid that if he was too loud, he would hear. And if he heard, he might come and start knocking, asking if he was okay again and Jamie just couldn’t handle that.

Before his thoughts could spiral any further his phone finally buzzed.

Willow: are you okay?  
Willow: like did you fuck up or did you *fuck* up?  
Jamie: the last one  
Jamie: don’t know what to do  
Willow: well what did you do?  
Willow: it can be that bad  
Jamie: no i

Jamie paused and bit his lip, thinking. Could he really go through with this? Spill all of his innermost thoughts to her? He’d have to tell her that he was wearing a skirt probably. He couldn’t leave that out. He looked down and realized that he was still wearing the very same skirt. He instantly went to strip it off, but for some reason, he paused when his fingers grabbed the hem. He was in his room now. He could war what he wanted. It would be fine. The damage was already done, so who cares if he left it on for a bit longer?

His phone buzzed again, but this time it was because he was receiving a call rather than a text. His stomach dropped. He still didn’t know if he could talk, but if he didn’t answer it then Willow was just going to get more worried and it’d make everything even more fo a pain. Slowly, he picked up his phone, staring at the screen and finally, on the last ring, he picked it up.

“Hello?” Jamie said weakly, trying to hide how upset he was.

“Okay, you can’t answer like that and not expect me to be worried. What’s wrong? What’d you do?”

_Fuck it_ , Jamie thought. _Everything is so ruined already, who cares if she knows?_ “You have to swear to never repeat anything I told you.”

“Did you like kill someone or something?” Willow asked. “Come on, it can’t be that bad, just tell me. I swear I won’t. When have I ever done something like that?”

“Okay, so I- it was hot today right?”

“Yeah?”

“So it was hot and just, the AC here is broken right now and they’re not coming to fix it for a few days. So I was hot, so I wanted to get changed into something that wasn’t so fucking hot and I-” Jamie swallowed, his throat dry. He wasn’t sure he could get through this.

“Jamie come on. It’s fine. I promise.”

“Okay, well I- I have some- women's clothes. I guess. Skirts and stuff. So I wore one cause it was hot.”

Silence on the other end. Jamie was seconds away from hanging up and maybe throwing his phone at the wall when Willow’s bright laughter filtered through the phone. “That’s it? There is no way that’s it right?”

“No I- I went to cook and it was fine, but then Andrew came home.”

“Oh shit. Was he mean to you? Did he say something? I’ll come there and tear up that lease I swear,” Willow threatened.

“No! No that- no,” Jamie said. “He wasn’t mean.”

“Well, then what was he? You’re obviously upset he must've done _something_.”

Time for the hardest part. Jamie breathed. He was an adult. He could handle his thoughts. Confront things in his life. Running from them never helped.

“We kinda made out and he grabbed me and called me a girl and it was just too much so I ran away and-”

“Whoa whoa! Slow down! I can’t even understand what you’re saying. Repeat it but slower cause I don’t want to misunderstand you.”

God, why did she have to make this so _hard_? “Okay, I- so he came in and saw me. And he said I looked pretty. And then he started getting close and then I don’t know somehow we were kissing and he was touching me and calling me a girl and- I really liked it and I just-” Jamie clenched the phone tight in his fist, tears threatening to slip out. It was all too much. Objectively, he knew that I wasn’t that bad. Nothing terrible had happened, but his heart and stomach were doing backflips and rioting whenever he thought about it. “I don’t know it was just too much. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Oh honey,” Willow cooed, her voice soft. “That sounds- yeah that is a lot. Do you want to hang out here for a day or two? My roommate won’t mind.”

Did he? It would be nice to get out of the house, but running away now felt a lot like running away from the problem. Like he was too scared to even sit down and think about what happened to him, something, which by all measures, he asked for.

“I- no I’m going to be okay, I just- I needed to talk to someone. I’ve felt so scattered and _confused_ lately. I- I don’t know why I liked it.”

“I know I’ve told you this a million times before, but now I think you should actually listen. Go get a therapist. Talk to someone. You’re trying to do this alone again and it’s not going to work. It’s obvious that you’re torn up about this and honestly, I’m not sure I’m the best person to help here.”

Jamie groaned loudly. “but I don’t _want_ to. There is nothing wrong with me,” he objected.

“Of course there’s not, but are you hearing yourself. You’re not okay right now and you should talk to someone about it. Someone who can help you. Because honestly, I don’t think this just has to do with your new roommate and I think you know that too,” Willow pointed out.

The words stung. It was like Willow had reached through the phone and hit him. However, when he tried to find a way to object, to brush off the accusation, but he was coming up blank. 

“Jamie? Are you still there?”

“Oh shit yeah I- I am. I just spaced out for a second,” he explained. He ran a hand through his hair, then tugged at it. He still felt stressed, buzzing with energy that he needed to get rid of but he no idea how. “I’m going to shower and think. Can you- do you have a therapist that you see?”

“Yeah, I can email you with all of her information,” she replied fondly. “She’s really nice and really smart. She lost a few clients recently too so I know she has room.”

Jamie felt his shoulders relaxing at that. Part of the reason why he’d always been so reluctant to go to therapy was that finding a good one seemed impossible. Now, with it done practically for him, he found it a lot easier to accept. “Okay. I will. I’m going to- I need time for myself I think.”

“Do whatever you need. Me and Charles are here for you if you ever need it.”

Jamie felt fresh tears threatening to slip out of his eyes. How did he ever wind up with friends as good as this? he didn’t deserve it, but damn if he wasn’t happy he had them.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Anytime. Now go take care of yourself.”

“Okay- I’ll text you later, bye.”

The call ended and Jamie dropped his phone on the bed. This time, when he started to ct, he let it happen. The sobs wracked his chest and the tears soaked his face, but it felt good to let it all out. Maybe this is what he needed all along. A good ol’ fashion cry.

Slowly, he stood up from his bed and stepped out of his skirt, letting it drop to the floor before opening the door and heading to the bathroom. He wasn’t worried about Andrew seeing him anymore. He felt like they were far past that. Plus, he was in his room anyway and Jamie doubted he was about to poke his head out and see what was wrong.

When he got the bathroom, stripped then stepped into the shower before it had even warmed up, shivering under the rain of cold water. The shock of his system helped clear his head, and when the water started to warm up, he turned it back down so it stayed cold. 

Like that, with freezing cold water pouring down his back, he slid down the tub and sat, looking down at his body while he did. Unsurprisingly, he wasn’t thrilled at what he saw. With no clothes on, he looked even more masculine and he realized he had far too much hair growing everywhere on his body.

He grabbed for his razor and set to work getting rid of it all, thinking about how much he would like it if his hair didn’t grow so damn quickly. He was lucky that it was so thin and that it didn’t grow on his chest, but despite that, it felt like it got everywhere. Personally, he wasn't a huge fan of hair on himself. The way it felt just made him feel icky and every time he got rid of it, it made him feel much better.

Which frankly, was exactly what he needed right now.

When he got to washing his hair, he felt himself relaxing further. His hair was always one of his favorite parts about himself. It felt nice when it tickled his back and he’d admit to playing with it more than any adult should. It didn’t do him any favors in the heat, but he didn’t think he’d ever get rid of it. Plus, it pleasantly framed his face, hiding the more masculine angles and making him look softer.

Once he finished washing himself, he simply let himself shiver in the stream of cold water and watched beads of it slide down his skin. Skin that, no matter how much he moisturized, never seemed to be soft enough.

When he finished running his hands over every inch of skin, longing for it be softer, he shut off the shower and stepped out. He wrapped himself in a fluffy towel and barely bothered to dry before he was back out into the hall wand walking towards his room. He through a glance at Andrew's door, making sure it was closed, and then an impulsive, impossible to resist urge struck him

He should apologize.

He turned on his heel, dripping water across the floor dressed in only his towel, and knocked on his roommate's door, holding the door shut just in case Andrew tried to open it.

“Hey, don’t open the door. I- want to apologize for how I acted before,” Jamie said carefully, unsure if Andrew was even hearing him. He might’ve had headphones on from all Jamie knew, but now that he started, he wasn’t going to stop. “I made it seem like everything was cool and fine and it wasn’t. I- I'm sorry."

Silence from inside the room. Jamie was about to go back to his room. pull out his phone, and text what he just said to Andrew instead, when the other man's’ voice finally spoke up.

“You don’t have to apologize you know. It was my fault. I should have asked before I did anything.”

“No! No, it’s no. It’s not you, I- I made it seem like it was okay. You couldn’t have known.”

Jamie could barely believe the words were coming, but somehow, talking to Andrew felt even easier than talking to Willow. Or maybe it was only easier because he got all of his crying and anxiety out by talking with her already. 

“Okay. Well still, I’m sorry. We can talk about it when we’re both a bit more relaxed okay?”

It was an obvious dismissal and even though the conversation was going exactly how Jamie wanted it to go, he still felt stung by it. Despite that, he found himself nodding and stepping away from the door. “Alright sounds good.” he paused for a moment thinking. “Thank you too.”

Before he could hear Andrew’s response, he turned around and rushed for his room, letting the door swing shut behind him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! This work is not dead though, and I plan on continuing to update it. It's just become more of a pet project rather than a focus. I promise this ins't the end!  
> As always, I don't have a beta, but I did my best to make sure grammar and spelling were good here. If you see any mistakes, feel free to point them out.  
> Finally, any concrit is encouraged.  
> I hope you enjoy!~

Jamie waited until he was sure that Andrew left for work before he exited his room. 

While he waited, he’d called the office that Willow recommended and set up an appointment. He’d thought that he have to wait a while to get one, but one of her clients had abruptly canceled all their sessions and there was now an appointment slot available every Friday at 10:30,

Jamie wasn’t sure whether to feel blessed or cursed, but he knew he had to take it. He’d never forgive himself if he didn’t.

He ate quickly, then spent far too much time in the bathroom scrutinizing his appearance. He was sure his soon-to-be therapist had seen people who took way less care of themselves than he did, but he still couldn’t help but be anxious about it. Willow had assured him the therapist was nice and if he was going to trust anyway, it would be her.

He stayed for another five minutes, then forced himself away from his mirror and called a taxi while he left his apartment. He decided to dress in something as neutrally as possible, but he still felt off. Instead of his typical jeans, he was wearing a pair of short. He didn't really like show his legs off, but it was his hot and he wasn't going to show up to meet his therapist drenched in sweat. When he got outside, his taxi was already arriving and he got the sense that he'd taken more time walking through the building than he'd should've.

Getting into the taxi and starting to drive was the complete opposite. Everything felt like it was moving so faster then it was supposed to. With every mile that passed by, Jamie became more and more anxious and he was wound up tighter than the spring, cursing him and making it so hard to breathe. He wanted to tell the taxi to turn around and drop him back off at his apartment. If the taxi was a half-mile closer, he would've. Now he was halfway there and he was _not_ going to fall apart in a stranger's car.

He spent the rest of the drive trying to steady himself, for all the good that did. He still felt like a mess when he got there, but he wasn't about to cry, so he considered that an improvement. He tipped his driver and got out of the car, then checked the time. It was. 10:27. He was on time, even if he was cutting it close. In front of him, was a tall medical building that looked even more sanitized than it had online. There was a huge sign outside that marked all the offices in the building and he was relived to find therapist's name written in black block letters along side a mess of unfamiliar ones. He took a deep breath, and when he was as ready as he was ever going to be, he went into the building. 

His therapist's office ended up being the first one on the right and when he entered it, he almost started to panic. There was no one even behind the desk, the waiting room was empty, and there wasn’t even a sign that anyone was here. Had he misremembered the time? Had he actually gone to the wrong office? Her name had been right outside, but it could've just been a mistake. Just when he thought he'd done everything right he somehow managed to fuck it all -

“Mr. Knox?” a woman said.

Jamie jumped at the sudden noise and whipped his head around, looking for the source. He found it in the form of an older woman. She had dark skin and long hair with concerned looking eyes. She was dressed in a simple white blouse and a pair of jeans, like it was casual Friday at the office. She was even shorter than Jamie, but there was strength in her eyes and body language that marked her as someone who was hard to intimidate and comfortable with herself. Jamie opened his mouth to reply, but for some reason, nothing came out. He tried a few more times, but ended up staring at the floor, unsure of what he was even going to say in the first place. 

“Hey, it’s okay. A lot of people are nervous for your first session, deep breaths, I’m nice,” she said in a comforting voice.

Jamie nodded and let his therapists soothing voice wash over him. She was here to help him, that’s what he was paying her to do. There was no reason to be freak out. She wasn’t going to judge him for anything. Jamie straightened up and stuck out his hand, trying his best to smile. "Hi, I’m sorry about that, I’ve been working this up in my head since before I got here and I'm kind of freaking out. I'm not usually that bad. My name is Jamie, it’s really nice to meet you,” he said. 

She smiled and took a step forward to give a firm handshake. “Nice to meet you, Jamie. I’m Claire. How about we talk somewhere more private. I have the room ready.”

“That sounds good."

She led him down a short hall and into a small room with a large couch pushed against the back wall and an armchair pushed in the opposite corner. The walls were painted a plain beige and a window high up on the wall let in a stream of sunlight. Claire sat in the chair and Jamie sat in the surprisingly comfortable couch. Despite that, he kept moving around, unable to get comfortable. Claire looked at him with a single brow raised.

“You don't have to be worried about your posture or how you're sitting,” she said. “You can even lay down if you really want. It’s up to you.”

Right. He was supposed to calm down. He allowed himself to sink back into the couch more, but he couldn’t stop bouncing his leg or playing with his hair. At least he wasn't moving as much. Small victories.

“So, how are you? You sounded like you were feeling pretty anxious earlier,” Claire started.

“Well, I’m really fucking nervous right now and I feel really stressed, but I- I’m happy I’m here I think. My friend has told me I should go to therapy for ages now and It feels nice to actually be doing it? I don’t know if it’s going to help, but talking sounds nice. Even if I’m really nervous. I can handle that well,” he said. He shuffled around his seat. “Shit, sorry I- fuck can I curse? It’s a bit late, but is that okay?” he asked.

She smiled and laughed. “Yes, you can curse it’s fine.”

“Okay cool sorry, I just- that was a lot of words I kind of rambled. Sorry.”

She gestured dismissively. “It’s fine. You’re here to talk in the first place. Now, why don’t you tell me what your goals are for therapy and why you’re here.”

Huh. He didn’t really know. It made sense that he was supposed to have goals for this, and he guessed he did have some in a very abstract sense, but vocalizing them was difficult. But that's what he was here for, difficult conversation. He had to at least try. “I um, I’m not sure what my goals are exactly. I have a lot of anxiety, but I think I handle it well. Or kind of well. I can get what I need to get done, so I think that means it’s going well? I don’t know. I’m not a nervous wreck like this all the time I promise. There are some other uh… things that I want to talk about and maybe talking about my anxiety a little would be good too. So I guess maybe that’s why I’ m here?"

“So you're not here for your anxiety then?" she asked, her eyebrows knitting together. "Yeah, it's uh, not really that?" Jamie said. "Okay, that's fine, but you're to have to be more explicit about what it is you're here for, rather than what you're not."

Oh. Yeah. If he wanted to talk about what was bothering him, he had to say it. Vocalize it. Wow, that was so much easier to think in his head than to actually do. Hed' thought he was doing it before, but in hindsight it was obvious all he'd manged to do was say a whole lot of nothing. “Okay, so I know what I feel like, but I’m not sure I know how to explain it,” Jamie said. “It’s …hard for me. To word it,” he said.

“Go ahead and try. Feelings are hard to understand sometimes. Giving voice to them can help,” Claire said.

Jamie nodded. “Okay well- you kind of see that I’m like, I don’t know like this right?” Jamie said, gesturing at himself.

Claire looked confused. “I’m not really sure what you mean? Can you be more specific?” she asked.

Jamie squirmed around in his seat. She was right. He was still dancing around the issue. “I’m like- I don’t know. People call me girly. The hair and all the shaving. Sometimes my clothes. That sort of thing,” he said.

“Does that bother you?” she asked. 

“Well- it- I guess kind of? It’s really complicated,” he said. “I have a lot of different feelings about it.”

“Yes, I can imagine. People can be very mean about appearances. I think it’s one of our worst traits as humans,” Claire said. 

Jamie nodded eagerly. “Exactly! I feel like people spend so much time judging. I don’t leave the house a lot but just because I kind of look like a girl doesn’t mean I am one. Even if that would be…” 

Jamie bit his tongue and trailed off. He averted his eyes and stared up a the corner of the ceiling. He shook his leg faster, then grabbed a bit of his hair and _pulled_.

“Hey! Don’t do that, you’re going to yank your hair out,” Claire reprimanded.

Jamie’s hand shot down to his lap. “Sorry, sorry. I’ve been working on it. It’s a nervous habit.”

“I know. You have really nice hair though. You don’t want to pull it out,” she said.

The compliment sent a surge of embarrassment through him. It was stated very matter-of-factly like it wasn’t something up for debate. He wasn’t sure if he'd ever get used to compliments about his appearance. 

“Anyway, you were saying that being a girl would be...what?” she asked. 

He almost started to tug at his hair again, but stopped himself in time. He felt the same haze of anxiety waking up and he knew that if he didn’t just get it out now, he was never going to. 

“I don’t know. It seems like maybe it might be kind of sort of nice to be one,” he said, rushing through all the words and making them a jumbled, tangled mess. 

“Oh, I see,” Claire said, sitting back in her chair. Her pen scratched against the paper as she made another note. She sat still for a few second, tapping her pen against her lips, before she looked up and met Jamie's eyes. “Do you want to be a girl then?” she asked.

Jamie blinked, trying to process the question. Did he want to be a girl? Was that even a thing someone could do? It had been an idle fantasy in the back of his head from puberty, but Claire was making it sound like something he could want. He never looked at it like that.

“I don’t know. Maybe not. I- I want to look like one though,” he mumbled. “Or maybe that’s not. I just don’t want to look like a guy. I don’t care about being a girl I guess, I just don’t want this body really.”

“Do you not like your body?” she asked.

“Well…”

Time seemed to fly by after that. Jamie never stopped feeling nervous, but the longer he talked the more he explained himself, the easier it got. It helped that Claire was so patient. She didn’t press him to say certain things, let him finish, and her questions never felt like they were too intrusive. Best of all, she never seemed like she was judging him. Her tone was always neutral and it made it much easier to open up.

“So, before we leave, I wanted to ask you a question. Have you ever heard of transgender people?” Claire asked.

Jamie frowned. “Yeah, I know about them,” he said. "Or, I guess I've heard about them Kind of."

“Okay, I think you should look into it more. It’s an interesting topic and a lot of what you’ve told me sounds a lot like what some of my trans patients have said. You might be interested to read more.”

Oh. Was she- she was suggesting that he was trans? She hadn’t said that she had only said to look, but that seemed to be the obvious implication. But…what harm was looking? Looking didn’t mean anything. It just meant learning something more. There was nothing wrong with that.

“Okay, I will,’” Jamie said.

|Now, did you want to schedule an appointment for next week too?” Claire asked  
It was only when he left that he realized he never mentioned Andrew.

Well. There was always the next session.  
________________________________________________________________________

When Jamie saw Andrew after he got back from therapy, he expected some sort of residual awkwardness or tension. However, Andrew seemed able to act like nothing was wrong and nothing happened. It was like nothing had ever happened. Like Andrew hadn’t pinned Jamie against the counter and practically claimed him. Like he couldn’t lift him and put him wherever he wanted and do…things to him. Andrew was all laughs and smiles, casual jokes about work, and nothing else. It was nice and Jamie couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky.

That day passed without incident.

And then the next.

And then the weekend was there and everything was still as pleasant and normal as it had been before. Jamie had to admit it was nice. Having awkwardness between him and his new friend was the last thing he wanted to deal with, especially when he had so much going on in his head already. He’d been busying himself with writing his works and reading about trans people like Claire had suggested. A lot of the latter information activity hit a lot closer to home than he expected. He could draw one to one parallels between how he felt and what people on Reddit and other forums said. He’d even gone through the DSM-V diagnosis for gender dysphoria and found that he had more than one of the seven listed “symptoms.”

He wasn’t sure what that said about him. 

Really, he was doing his best not tho think about it. It felt like it was too massive for him to totally wrap his mind around. There was just so much there. He didn’t know what to do with it all or even where to start. Right now, his only plan was to talk about it with Claire and hope she had advice to give him. It was a very precarious balance. If he could've taken a vacation from his brain, he would've in a heartbeat. Andrew did do a decent job distracting him, so it wasn't all bad. Jamie was starting to think that if the other man hadn't became his roommate, he'd have gone insane.

He didn't want to think about how clingy that thought seemed.

“Hey, you remember my friends I told you about right? They’re gonna come over tonight, maybe have some drinks. You want to join?” Andrew asked, walking into the kitchen where Jamie was cooking. 

Jamie stopped slicing up vegetables for his salad and turned to look at the time on the microwave. It was early Saturday at 11:00 AM. He didn’t have to do anything today or tomorrow, so he didn’t care if Andrew had people over. Joining them though? That was somewhat different. “Aren’t I kind of forced to join? I live here after all,” he joked. 

Andrew laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I figured that if you didn’t want to hang out with them, you could just stay in your room? You don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to. It'd be up to you."

Jamie thought for a minute. He could hide in his room, but that seemed boring. He was looking to spend less time alone anyway, and now that he was being offered social interaction on a silver platter, and he couldn’t see any reason not to take it. Andrew would be there to for him to use as a buffer and, if he remembered correctly, Andrew’s friends were trans. Which was interesting. Jamie wouldn’t have minded the chance to talk to some in real life. Reading online just wasn't’ the same. Maybe, if he was extremely lucky, he’d get the chance to ask a question or two. Maybe. Only if it was polite. He read online that asking people about being trans could come off as rude. If he was going to do it, he wanted to to be their friend before anything else.

“No, it’s fine. I’d uh, I’d actually like to join you I think. I could use it,” he said.

Andrew grinned and whipped out his phone. “Cool, do you want them to bring anything? I can make them bring us dinner if you want,” he said with a wink.

Jamie looked down at the salad he’d prepared for lunch. He was going to save what he didn’t eat and have it for dinner later, but not eating the same thing twice sounded nice. “If they're okay with it, then that’d be nice,” he said.

“Oh, they’re gonna be okay with it,” Andrew snickered. “I’ll tell them to come over tonight. They want to crash here too probably. I can make them Uber home if you want, but I don’t really want to. Is it okay if they sleep here? Andrew asked.

“Yeah, I don’t care it’s not going to bother me. They can have my room If they want too. I feel bad making guests sleep on the couch.”

Andrew looked like a pleased puppy that just got a treat. He took a step forward, but then stopped. “They’re gonna love you. I hope you like them too,” he said. “You don’t have to give up your bed either, they’ll be fine on the couch.”

Jamie shrugged. “The offer is there. Tell them I’m excited to meet them,” he said.

“Of course! 

Andrew walked away, once again tapping away on his phone, but the entire time he left, Jamie couldn’t help but wonder what he wanted to do when he took that step forward.

It’d been “tonight” for an hour or so now. Or tonight in Jamie’s opinion. 5 PM was night, right? Did that count? He would’ve gone to ask Andrew, but that would have made it seem like he was looking forward to it, which he wasn’t. He wasn’t.

Okay, maybe he was a little bit.

He gave himself another once over in the mirror and shifted around, catching himself from a variety of angles. He thought he looked fine. Maybe even better than usual. He was wearing a pair of shorts and a pinkish-white shirt. It made him look softer than usual. He liked it. Usually, he would be worried that whoever was coming over would judge him, but there was no way Andrew’s friends would right? Was it presumptive to assume that trans people would be nicer and more accepting of other people? Was he being bigoted? Was that what was happening?

Someone knocked hard at the door. “Andrew! We’re here and you’re not answering your phone! Let us in before we let ourselves in!” a woman shouted.

Jamie hurried out of his room, looking around for Andrew. When he didn't hear or see him coming, he turned to the door and unlocked it. He couldn’t leave those people out there. It would be rude and weird. He was going to hang out with them anyway. He may as well make a good first impression. He readied himself, then swung the door open.

There two people stood. One was a tall woman wearing a bright yellow sundress that contrasted nicely with her dark chocolate skin. Long hair captured in braids went down her back, an ornate and showy sun hat sat on top of her head. She had light makeup on, but it accentuated all her best features. Jamie couldn’t help but just a bit jealous.

Behind her, was a man an inch or show taller than Jamie. He had a clean-shaven face and sun tanned skin. His hair was short, falling just above his eyes, and he had a single stud in his right ear. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt and jeans and already looked somewhat exasperated. He was holding a takeout bag in one hand and Jamie guessed that was his dinner tonight. 

“Hi!” the woman chirped after a second of silence. “I’m Eliza and this is Derek! We’re Andrew’s friends” the woman said, gesturing to her friend. “Don’t mind Derek he’s just shy. It’s nice to meet you though! You must be Jamie, right? Andrew has told us almost nothing about you! He’s been keeping you a secret all to himself,” she said.

Wow. This woman had a lot of energy. She seemed like the type of person who got the whole room's attention with just a word. “Yeah, I’m Jamie. I can um, I know you’re here for Andrew if you want I can go see if I can -”

“Oh, who cares about Andrew. He’ll come when he comes. Part of the reason I even came was for you anyway! You’re so cute,” she gushed, she gave him another once over and clapped her hands together. “What are your pronouns by the way?”

Pronouns? No one had ever asked him that question in his life. People just picked one and went with it. Now he was given a choice and, while his answer should have been obvious, he was having a hard time spitting it out.

Wonder why that is, he thought sarcastically.

“Elize, you’re making Jamie uncomfortable. Why can’t you just say they and them? It’s so much easier,” Derek said.

“I just wanted to ask!” Eliza countered. “You can’t just-”

“Oh my god, so that’s where you too are. Why didn’t you text me that you were here?” Andrew called out from behind Jamie. 

Jamie sighed in relief and stepped back from the door, more than happy to let Andrew take control. Eliza seemed nice, but she was a bit too high energy and if she kept asking him questions, he was pretty sure he was going to fall apart. 

“We did, you just didn’t check your phone,” Derek replied. He looked right at Jamie and smiled apologetically. “It’s nice to meet you too by the way. Sorry about Eliza, she just gets excited,” he said, worming his way past Eliza and stepping inside taking a step inside.

Andrew stepped past Jamie and wrapped him into a bear hug. He struggled for all fo two seconds before Eliza wrapped her own arms from behind and cocooned him in a smash of bodies. He made a noise of irritation, but Jamie could see the smile on his face from where it was turned.

“Alright, I get it, let me go now,” Derek said, wiggling around. Andrew and Eliza released him and he ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t have to assault me every time we meet you know.”

“You love it,” Eliza said, dancing past Derek. She gave a quick hug to Andrew than stepped back. “Now Andrew, explain why you have one of the cutest people in the world locked up here and you haven’t even sent us a picture. That should be illegal. You’re breaking my heart,” she said.

Jamie looked down and let his hair fall over his face. He could feel all the blood rushing to his cheeks and the last thing he wanted to do was to show that to Eliza or Andrew. If they saw, they might keep going and Jamie didn’t know if he could take it. His whole body might ignite from the embarrassment and he’d die right there. 

Suddenly, a warm, strong arm wrapped around his shoulder and pulled him into a half hug. “I don’t own him, so I can’t hide him. In fact, he offered to meet you himself.”

Jamie wasn’t sure how to feel about Andrew kind of sort of talking for him. On one hand, he kind of liked it. Giving up a bit of control and letting someone else take of things for him was nice and easy. On the other, he wasn’t sure if he should like giving up control like that. Sure, he knew that there were people out there who did like that sort of thing, he just wasn’t sure if he was one of those people. It was another thing he really didn’t want to sort out. It required thinking and debating and scrutinizing his behavior and didn’t he do that enough already? Did he really need to sit down and figure this one out too? Maybe he could just let it go.

Yeah. That sounded good. He’d just let it go this time.

“Well, I’m glad,” Eliza said. “Lucky for both of you, we brought booze. Derek brought weed too, which I’m guessing is for you since Andrew and I don’t like it.”

“Wait, I don’t not like it, it’s just not my thing!” Andrew protested.

“It’s only not you’re thing because you always get too high,” Derek teased. “I wouldn’t think it was very fun if I passed out on the couch every time I smoked.”

“You really want to go there?” Andrew said, releasing Jamie. “I seem to have a quite few memories of you doing the same exact thing.”

The three of them bickered back and forth and Jamie found himself relaxing. It was nice to be in the room and observe, but not have so much attention on him. He could put up with this. Maybe he’d even come out with new friends. 

Andrew, Eliza, and Derek moved to the table and started setting up. Jamie shuffled around, unsure if he should be helping. He didn’t want to get in the way and they were still in the middle of their conversation. Intruding now felt awkward and forceful. He would just wait until-

“Jamie! Come on let’s eat,” Eliza said, once all the food was on the table. She skipped forward and grabbed his arm, tugging him to the table. 

Jamie let himself be dragged to the table and sat down. Andrew set down some sort of sweet-smelling cocktail in front of him and a plate piled high with Chinese food. Andrew smiled down at him and Jamie, for some bizarre reason, felt his face starting to heat up again. It was like whenever Andrew as around, all the anxiety he usually felt was converted to embarrassment. He wasn’t sure if that was much better.

The four of them ate. Or maybe it was just Jamie and Derek. Eliza and Andrew seemed more intent on arguing with one another and laughing at old stories. After about ten minutes of this, both Derek and Jamie were finished eating and had drunk their cocktails, while the other two were somehow still taking. Jamie didn’t know how it was possible. How did anyone have so much to say? It was like the two of them had whole speeches prepared to recite to each other. Jamie looked across the table, catching Derek’s eye. The other man grinned and showed Jamie what looked like a grinder from across the table.

It was all the convincing Jamie needed. 

The two excused themselves from the table and Jamie went to his room to grab his pipe, before walking out in the warm night air with Derek. 

“God, those two can talk forever, can’t they? So loud,” Derek said, sitting down on the ground and looking up at Jamie. “I’ve known them for years and I’ll still never get it.”

“Yeah, I always knew Andrew was chatty, but I didn’t know he was like that,” Jamie said. 

“I swear it only comes out with Eliza,” Derek said. “I’m glad you’re here though. I don’t have to suffer in silence anymore,” he joked.

Jamie laughed and sat down beside Derek, handing him his pipe. “Thanks for doing this by the way. You didn’t have to.”

“It’s fine. Sometimes I need a bit of assistance to deal with them. They’ll calm down by the time we got back in and we’ll be high. It’ll work out.”

Jamie couldn’t help but laugh. Derek packed the bowl and lit it, taking a deep inhale before passing it off. Jamie breathed in and as soon as the smoke filled his lungs, started coughing.

“Holy shit, what is this stuff?” Jamie asked. 

“It’s good right?” Derek asked, taking the pipe from Jamie and taking another hit. “It’s worth the price.

Jamie had to agree. A pleasant haze was already starting to drift through him. He got the pipe back and took another hit, letting himself relax as he inhaled. He managed to not cough as much this time.

“By the way, thank you for letting us come here. You have a nice place.”

“Oh yeah, of course,” Jamie said once he registered Derek’s words. “I’ve been meaning to make more friends so uh, I’m glad we're like…” Jamie couldn’t find the words and laughed. Wow, he was already high and feeling really really good.

“I get it. I’m not very social either,” Derek said. He took a hit, then gave the pipe to Jamie. “I get to work from home, so I don’t need to go out much. Eliza drags me out, but sometimes she’s a bit much as you can tell.”

Jamie took a long, deep hit, not coughing this time. Progress. “Where do you do?” Jamie asked, almost dropping the pipe when he handed it back. “The rest of that is yours I’m very good.”

“I’m a freelance artist,” Derek said. “So really lots of stuff. I’ve done pretty well for myself. It’s hard to believe sometimes.”

“God, I know right?” Jamie gushed. “I can barely believe that I’m like, actually successful? I never thought I’d get anywhere, and it’s just-” Jamie faltered. He couldn’t find the words to describe it and his brain was too hazy to provide him with any hints. That was okay though. Not everything needed a word for it. 

“Yeah, it’s weird to think about,” Derek said after a moment of silence. 

Jamie sighed happily and rested his head against the brick wall. “We should go in,” he said. 

“Sounds fine to me, I want to collapse on the couch anyway,” Derek said. “Do you want me to bring this in or?” he asked, gesturing to the pipe.

“No, no it’s fineeee,” Jamie drawled out, climbing unsteadily to his face. “I don’t care. I’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

“Eliza is right you know. You’re really cute,” Derek said.

“Thank you,” Jamie said, smiling. The compliment still made him flush, but the embarrassment was a lot more manageable now. There was nothing wrong with being cute. In fact, he liked being cute. 

Derek slid open the door and pulled him inside and over to where Derek and Eliza were sitting by the table.

“Damn, you two took foreverrr,” Eliza drawled out, jumping to her feet. “It's movie time, no more delaying.”

“Don’t let her pick she’ll-” Andrew’s protest died in his throat when Eliza darted past him and flopped onto the couch, the clicker already in her hand  
“She’s going to pick something bad,” Derek said. “She always does. “Just watch.”

“I pick good movies! You’re all just picky,” Eliza retorted, flopping her head over the top of the couch. “Or maybe you just have bad taste. Personally, I favor the bad taste explanation.”

“She’s the guest,” Jamie said. “Let her pick.”

“See. Jamie knows what politeness looks like, it’s my right! “ she declared 

Derek and Andrew sighed, but it was clear the argument was over. Jamie wandered over to the fridge to get water, but when he got back the couch, he saw there was no space. Andrew and Eliza took up most of the space on the small surface and the only way Derek fit was by sitting on Eliza’s lap. Neither looked uncomfortable with the arrangement. In fact, it looked like they’d done it before. 

“Are you two dating?” Jamie asked, the question slipping out before he could stop it.

Eliza tilted her head back and laughed. “God no. I would never. We don’t work like that,” she said.

“Yeah, we do stuff sometimes, including cuddling. We’re just friends. Dating would be-” Derek shuddered like the thought was one of the scariest things he could come up with. “It’d be so bad. Not a good idea.”

Huh. Jamie guessed that made sense. There was nothing about cuddling or sitting on someone's lap that had to mean you were dating. It seemed like something that only couples did, but there was no reason why other people couldn’t. 

“Uh okay. Sorry,” Jamie said. “Umm, unrelated, but there is like no space…” he said trailing off. 

“Just sit on Andrew’s lap. It’s fine,” Eliza said. “I’m sure he doesn't care.”

Jamie and Andrew's eyes met. Andrew shrugged and patted his laps. “I don’t care. You can if you want, it’s up to you. 

“We can swap if you want to too,” Derek said. “Up to you, but I’m not sitting on the floor just because these two are damn giants and Eliza definitely doesn’t care if you want to sit with her.”

“I can sit on the floor too if you want,” Andrew offered. 

Wow, he really had whatever choice he wanted, didn’t he? He wondered if he could order Andrew to sit on Eliza’s lap. He giggled at the mental image. If his head wasn’t so hazy he might’ve done it. However, watching the two jostle around was the opposite of the sort of calm Jamie wanted. Besides, Andrew’s lap didn’t seem bad. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more it seemed kind of nice. 

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just- you can sit there. I can sit with him,” Jamie said. He took a step forward and shifted around, unsure of what to do now. Was he just supposed to like, climb into Andrew’s lap? Was that it?

“You're sure?” Andrew asked.

“It’s fine. I promise,” Jamie replied.

Andrew leaned forward and grabbed Jamie’s wrist tugging him forward gently. He fell onto Andrew’s lap and then he was being shifted around as Andrew put him where he wanted him. Andrew settled him with Jamie's back pressed flush against Andrew’s back while he straddled Andrew’s thighs. Andrew wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him in, holding him in place. It was… a lot. Every part of his body was too hot, but moving away would require so much work. God, what would happen if he tried? How far would Andrew let him get before he yanked him back, held him in place, told him to be good?

“You good?” Andrew asked and wow was his mouth close to Jamie’s ear. Maybe a bit too close? Or maybe not close enough. The strangest shivers of pleasure ran down from the back oh his neck whenever Andrew taled in his ear. If it was a whisper, it would’ve been even better.

“I’m fine,” Jamie squeaked. “Let’s just watch the movie.

Eliza settled on something, but Jamie was having a hard time focusing on what. However, when the opening credits began to roll, his eyes widened. It was a horror movie. Of course. 

“Are you good with this?” Andrew whispered in Jamie's ear.

He couldn’t stop himself from shivering. God, that stupid fucking voice. There was no reason it should make his thoughts turn to mush like it did. 

“It’s fine,” Jamie whimpered. “Just, hold me tighter? If that’s okay?”

Andrew’s arms tightened around him and Jamie dropped his head to rest against Andrew's shoulder while he took a deep shuddering breath. He could do this. Yeah, he was high as hell, but he was in Andrew’s arms and nothing was going to happen to him. He as safe and secure as he was ever going to get. Andrew would keep him safe. At least for now.

His body sagged down, held up only by Andrew, and he lifted his head just enough to watch the movie again. His double took at what he found. What was on the screen looked dated and all the actors were trying to sell their role way too hard. He looked over at Eliza and saw her grinning as she watched, occasionally whispering things in Derek’s ear. Andrew relaxed more. He could handle this. If this is what Andrew meant when he said that Eliza had bad taste, he was more than okay with accepting it.

As the movie went on, the movie got cheesier and cheesier and Jamie couldn’t stop himself from laughing when the monster, really a man in what looked like a poorly made costume, killed one of the women whose reactions were not at all matching the tone. 

“This is so dumb,” he said. “None of this makes sense.”

“Yup!” Eliza said, popping the P. “Isn’t it great.”

“No it’s-”

“I think it is,” Jamie said, interrupting Andrew.

“God don't encourage her,” Derek groaned.

“You’re just jealous someone else has taste,” she countered. “Jamie is my new favorite. They're great. The rest of you suck.

“Why do you say they?” Jamie asked. “I know like, I should have asked at the door, but um, why that one?” 

“Do you want me to be honest?” Derek asked.

“Of course.”

“Well, half of it is because Eliza asks everyone that. The other half is that you…you look like you could be a very handsome woman or a very pretty man. I’m not sure what you’re going for, so I defaulted to that. I can go with something else if you want. I don’t mind. I’m sorry if’s been bothering you,” Derek said.

“No, no it’s fine I- I kind of like it? It’s nice,” Jamie said.

“Ooooh, well I’ll keep doing it then. Andrew, that means you have to too,” she said.

“Do you want me to call you that?” Andrew asked Jamie.

“Yeah, I, I want to try it,” Jamie said.

“Will do.”

“So are we actually watching this movie still or what?” Derek said. "'Cause I’m going to be honest, it’s pretty bad and I’d rather not.”

“He’s right you know,” Andrew agreed.

“Fineeee, if you really don’t want to, but if we stop I’m going to bed,” Eliza said. “It’s late and I’m not going to be up all night trying to figure out what to do.”

“I’m fine with sleeping,” Derek said. “We’re sleeping here by the way.”

“I told you that was fine,” Andrew said.

“You could um, if you want you two can share my bed. I can just sleep with Andrew,” Jamie said. Eliza gave them a fox-like grin and Jamie’s eyes widened as they realized the implications of what they just said. “Not like that!” he cried. “Just- the couch sucks and we can share. You seemed fine with it. I’m just trying to be nice,” he explained.

Eliza laughed. “You’re cute. Thank you, Jamie. We can sleep on the couch though. We’ve slept in worse places.”

Jamie’s heart pounded in their chest. They wanted their guests to be comfortable. They didn’t want them sleeping on the couch. Plus, sharing a bed with Andrew kind of seemed nice. They felt really good and nice and warm right now, so maybe they wanted to keep that feeling going. Just for tonight.

“No, I’m insisting,” Jamie said. “You’re taking my bed.”

“I can take the couch too if you want. You have my bed if you want it,” Derek offered.

“No. You’re- you’re with me. No arguing,” Jamie proclaimed.

“Works for me,” Derek said.

“Can I- can you let me up? I want to get changed before they’re sleeping,” Jamie said, squirming in Andrew’s arms.

“You have to say please,” Eliza teased. “That’s what he likes.”

“Eliza don’t-”

“Andrew, don’t even try to argue,” Derek said. “Everyone knows.”

“Knows what?” Jamie said. 

“Nothing!” Andrew said quickly, uncoiling his arms from around Jamie. “Go get changed.”

Jamie stood up and turned to face Andrew. The man’s face was red and he was looking down and away. Jamie shuffled around and shot a helpless look at Derek and Eliza. They both smirked and shook their heads.

“I’ll be right back,” Jamie said, scurrying away. As soon as he got to his room, he rooted around for his pajamas, only to find that his favorite pair were tossed in their laundry hamper. They bit their lip. They had another choice, one they only slept in on occasion. They took it out from their bottom draw and looked at it. It was a pair of small, soft gray sleep shorts that they maybe didn’t buy in the men's section, as well an oversized gray shirt that went down to their thighs. It seemed like a bit much, but they didn’t want to just sleep in their underwear, and sleeping in normal clothes would’ve been uncomfortable.

“Why do I do this to myself,” they uttered as they got dressed. They took a quick look in a mirror, before hurrying out of the room. If they looked any longer, they might stay for the rest of the night.

“I’m done,” Jamie said to Eliza and Derek. “You’re fine now.”

They smiled at them and walked past, while Jamie headed to Andrew's room, their heart pounding away in their chest. 

“Can I come in?” they asked, knocking at Andrew’s door.

Andrew laughed “You don’t have to knock, just come in.”

Jamie opened the door and then froze in place. Andrew was sitting up, his back pressed against his headboard with a distinct lack of a shirt. Jamie's blood ran hot and he looked away.

“Turn off the lights before you lay down, I don’t want to get up,” Andrew said.

Jamie flipped the switch and the room plunged into darkness, hiding them fro Andrew’s eyes. They didn’t know if they liked that. It did make it easier to move, but they kind of liked it when Andrew looked at them. It sent pleasant shivers racing down their spine and they weren’t really looking to stop that. Maybe just to make it less intense? At this point, they’d settle for some sort of explanation for why Andrew did that to them.

“Are you coming?” Andrew asked. “Or are you going to keep standing in the dark?” There was a hint of humor in Andrew’s voice and that made Jamie feel better. There was no pressure here. Everything was fine. 

“Yeah- I’m coming,” Jamie mumbled, picking their way across the floor. “I- um. Are you on your side of the bed?” they asked.

“Just c’mere,” Andrew said. He reached up and then his arms were around Jamie's waist and Jamie was being pulled down, down unable to stop themselves as they fell on to of Andrew's chest. 

“Sorry!” they said. “Let me just-”

“You don’t have to do anything,” Andrew said, laying a hand on the small of Jamie’s back. He pulled Jamie further up so his whole body was draped over Andrew. “You can lay here if you want. You’re warm.”

Your warm too, Jamie thought. Slowly, Jamie allowed themself to unfurl on top of Andrew, stretching out their arms so they fell around Andrew's neck. They were even able to nuzzle their head under Andrew’s chin and still be completely on top of Andrew. He was just that big. It was amazing how nice that was. Jamie never considered their small size of statures to be a gift, but now they couldn’t think of it as anything but that.

“Is this good?” Andrew asked his breath brushed across Andrew’s ear. “Or do you want to do something else?”

“Aren’t I crushing you?” Jamie squeaked. 

Andrew laughed. “No. If you’re comfortable, sleep,” Andre ordered. His hand came up started to stroke through Jamie's hair, raking his fingers through their hair. Jamie sighed happily, relaxing further. They could understand why Eliza and Derek cuddled if it felt this good. It’d been too long since Jamie had gotten to just touch and be with someone. They’d forgotten how nice it was to be held

“Goodnight,” Jamie mumbled.

“Night,” Andrew echoed.


End file.
